Zoom Autism Magazine Issue 2 - Page 32

CLOSE UP It’s Time By Karen Wesley Weaver M y heart has been heavy lately with a lot of tough decisions regarding my son. He is a 19-year-old young autistic man with a side order of depression and mood disorder. He is transitioning into adulthood, which I’m sure is a scary thing for him. However, he is driving me completely bonkers in the process. I’m hearing this whisper lately, telling me, “It’s time, time for him to go.” The whisper has been screaming at me, or is that him screaming? No, it’s the whisper, and it has been saying, “Release him to the world so that he can grow into the man that he needs to be. He will not do that as long as he is with you.” He shows the promise of being a wonderful citizen of the world. He will be a man with challenges, and he will conquer them. He will need support to make this happen, but he doesn’t need to be coddled and protected by his mother. I just don’t think he will grow into a man until he takes some steps away from me. The whispers have also been saying, “You can’t keep living this way, Karen. You are giving away too much of yourself.” And I have, too, as I can hardly make myself out in a mirror. My inner light is fading. The walls are closing in on me. This world that I have created is now suffocating me. I have spoiled them all. I too have been spoiled. I have been given the gift of being a mother full-time for my boys. However, in giving everyone so much of my focus, I have almost been erased. I think of them before I feed myself. I think of them before I pee! Slowly, I am giving away a small piece of my soul. The whispers are saying, “You have given to them out of love and protection, but it’s time to let them fly. It’s time for you to start flapping your own wings and start living instead of just existing.” I flipped on the TV the other day to find one of my favorite authors being interviewed. There sat two of my girlfriends: Liz (as in Elizabeth Gilbert of Eat Pray Love) and Oprah (as in Oprah). It felt like they both were speaking directly to me. “If you stay on this path, you may literally die or die in pieces,” Liz Gilbert told Oprah. I’ve been feeling like I am dying a slow death. This life that I’m living is a part of my path, but it is NOT my path in total. I am called to do more. 32 Zoom Autism Through Many Lenses