Yours Truly 2017 / Cascadia College / Bothell, WA 2017 YT Online Book | Page 96
way out. My body is here but my mind is still
back in that dark room, the light of the kitchen
spilling in through the open bedroom door, the
sound of seams ripping and muffled voices and
my body being pressed against the mattress. I
can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.
I don’t know how much time has
passed. I am only aware of my face pressed
against Andy’s shoulder, my shuddering breaths
saturating the soft fabric of her fleece sweater.
When the worst of it has passed and a
few more heaving sighs later Andy whispers,
“You’re scaring me.”
I don’t tell her that I’m scared too. I
don’t tell her how much my body hurts. I don’t
tell her that I haven’t slept. I don’t tell her I’m as
furious as I am scared.
Instead I say, “Sorry.”
“Just tell me — what’s wrong?” I hear
the quiver in her voice, and my chest aches
because I know I’ll break her heart if I tell my
sweet and gentle and empathetic best friend
what’s happened.
I want to tell her everything that’s wrong.
That I can’t give her back the pair of jeans she
let me borrow because the button is gone and
the seams are ripped. I want to tell her that I
don’t feel human. I want to tell her that pink
Plan B boxes are fucking expensive and I want
to tell her that everything, everything is broken,
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and colored in shame and that I’m afraid I’ll never
be okay. I want to tell her that rape isn’t always
like it is on the news or in movies. Sometimes the
aftermath of it looks like your best friend cleaving
herself in two trying to figure out how to tell you
it happened to her. I want, I want to tell her all
these things but how do I tell her something I
can’t even understand?
“I think . . .” I swallow and lick my cracked
lips. “I — ah. Nothing.”
Andy’s eyes wrinkle in worry and her face
is lined in dread. I shake my head in response,
feeling as though the words I’m trying to hide are
pushing through my skin. I’m trembling with the
effort to keep my head above these emotions.
“Something happened to me.”