SINGLE PARENTING continued ...
Kids want to know you love them enough to think about their safety and welfare before they get into trouble . Although you can never anticipate every problem , you always have the right to delay a reaction until you ’ ve had time to think over the situation . Then , you can set a boundary for the future and add it to the written list .
3 ) Normalize Conflict & Set a Good Example
If you had high conflict in your marriage , your child may think conflict automatically leads to failure . Make sure your child knows that conflict is a normal part of life . However , if you continue to “ fight ” with your child ’ s other parent , you are sending a message that conflict cannot be creatively resolved .
Minimize “ fighting ” in front of your children and try to mirror positive conflict resolution skills in all areas of your life . Talk to your kids about how you resolve conflict at work , at church , with friends , etc . Teaching your kids how to resolve disputes will be a lasting gift that will have a strong impact on their success as adults .
4 ) Make Conflict Ground Rules
Make a list of written ground rules that you and your kids sign so that when conflict arises , you know what the steps are toward resolution .
For starters , you might agree to not lash out verbally at each other in the heat of the moment . Instead , walk away and go back 30 minutes later after you have each had time to gather your thoughts . This is easier said than done , but with a little practice , it becomes a good habit .
Secondly , you should designate a specific time each week to touch base and air grievances . This could be a weekly family meeting at the kitchen table or a ride home in the car . Either way , make time regularly to talk about specific problem areas when both of you are relaxed . Also , agree that as soon as conversation turns into fighting , you ’ ll hold up your hands in a time-out sign and stop the talking until you can separate for a time .
Thirdly , agree that you ’ ll come up with at least three possible options together before making a final decision . Go over each option in detail , eliminating those that aren ’ t practical or possible .
Finally , set a trial period for new decisions and a time when you will reconvene to talk about how they are working .
5 ) Affirm and Validate Your Child ’ s Feelings
In all that you do , make sure your child feels loved and validated . Teenagers , especially , are vulnerable to feelings that adults don ’ t understand or care about them . Take time to listen before you talk and to hug after you talk . Let them know that no matter what your disagreements are , your love for them is unconditional .
58 WNY Family October 2018
Diane C . Dierks is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Atlanta , Georgia . She is also author of “ The Co-Parent Toolbox ” ( 2014 Aha ! Publishing ) and “ Solo Parenting : Raising Strong & Happy Families ” ( 1997 Fairview Press ). For more information visit her website at www . dianedierks . com .