SINGLE PARENTING
— by Diane Dierks, LMFT
5
Sane Ways
T
to
Prepare for the Holidays
here’s no question that the
months of November and
December are the most
difficult for single parents — mentally,
physically, and financially. I have had
many single mothers tell me that they get a
knot in their stomachs around Halloween
that doesn’t go away until after New
Year’s Day! Aren’t holidays supposed to
be joyous, relaxing and renewing? Yes,
but complicate them with difficult co-
parenting schedules, a tight budget, and
feelings of loneliness or failure, and you
have the perfect ingredients for holiday
depression.
You can avoid some of the stress
and anxiety by taking a few steps ahead
of time that will make your family’s
experience a little more tolerable. Here
are five to get you started:
1) Plan kid-sharing time now. Don’t
wait until the week before Thanksgiving
or Christmas to talk to your ex-spouse
about holiday visitation details. Even if
you have a written agreement about how
the holiday schedule is to be handled,
we all know that things come up that
could throw a curve into the plans — like
relatives flying into town or other schedule
changers that might throw everything off.
Make it a point to discuss exact dates and
times with your children’s other parent a
few weeks before the holiday rush.
2) Plan for fun in advance! Sit down
with your kids now and make a schedule
of activities that you can do together to
enhance the holiday spirit. Put school and
church activities on the agenda first (e.g.,
Christmas pageants, choir rehearsals,
special parties, etc.).
Next, mark at least one day or night
a week for things like making holiday
40 WNY Family November 2018
cookies, decorating the house and tree,
visiting nearby holiday light exhibits,
reading special holiday library books
out loud, having your own homemade
holiday play, etc. Every single parent
family should create unique traditions to
call their own. Keep this year’s calendar
for reference next year. Your kids will
be so excited to have something to look
forward to every week.
3) Don’t feel pressured to spend,
spend, spend. This is the best time of
year to teach simple, important values to
your children. There’s usually one special
gift your child really looks forward to
on Christmas day. Save your pennies to
purchase that special gift, and make the
others simple and meaningful.
For example, go through your
jewelry box and pick out a special pendant
or pin to give your daughter with a note
explaining where you got it and how you
felt when you received it. It was always
my experience that grandmas, aunts, and
uncles, came through at Christmas with
all the fad-driven, junky gifts your kids
love so much. Great! Let them do it so
you can concentrate on a few creative
gifts. Your kids will remember them with
pride and adoration.
4) Take a day off sometime between
Thanksgiving and Christmas (while the
kids are still in school) to treat yourself to
a special lunch with a friend, a manicure,
or just to sleep in or curl up with a cup of
tea and a good book.
Don’t use this day to shop since
holiday shopping can often make you feel
guilty, lonely, broke, or let down. Also on
this day, take an hour to begin preparing
for new beginnings at the start of the new
year. Don’t list things like losing weight,
staying on a budget, getting out of debt,
or cooking more! These are constant
struggles and don’t make very good New
Year’s resolutions.
Instead, list how you would like to
relate to your children, friends, or co-
workers differently. What change in
your outlook would bring about this new
relational improvement? Maybe you
would like to spend more time with your
girlfriends or a special family member
(sister, aunt, cousin). Also, list something
creative you would like to try (learn a
new language, begin music lessons, start
a personal journal).
The key is to give yourself several
weeks to think about changes and
how you might go about making them
happen. Then, when January 1st comes,
you are ready to jump in with renewed
enthusiasm.
5) Don’t shut out important adults
in your life! When charting your calendar
with the kids, include other single parent
friends and their families. Always doing
things alone with your kids may cause
you to feel detached from the adult world.
Share activities with another person or
family who understands where you are.
If you do not have any single-parent
friends, I’m sure there is someone in your
circle of acquaintances who is remarried
and knows how difficult the holidays are
for singles. Seek them out and invite them
to your house for a holiday luncheon or a
matinee movie. Just remember, don’t wait
until the last minute to plan since family
schedules fill up quickly and early.
Finally, keep things in perspective.
Holidays are full of significant symbolism
— the thankfulness for life and health
during Thanksgiving and the promise
of hope and second chances during
Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Year’s.
Talk often about these themes to your
children and continually remind yourself
of how much you have to be thankful for
and how each day is a new day if you
choose for it to be so. Happy Holidays!
Diane C. Dierks is a licensed marriage
and family therapist in Atlanta, Georgia.
She is also author of “The Co-Parent
Toolbox” (2014 Aha! Publishing) and
“Solo Parenting: Raising Strong &
Happy Families” (1997 Fairview Press).
To learn more visit www.dianedierks.com.