NIGHT & DAY:
The Issues Vastly Change as Teens Mature
T
ypical teen temperament,
characterized by rebellion,
moodiness, and insecurity,
usually begins in the “tween” years (ages
10 to 12) and becomes full-blown around
age thirteen. In all fairness, though, teens
should not be lumped into one category.
I prefer to categorize the teen years into
two distinct phases — the “roller coast-
er” phase (ages 13 to 15) and the “know-
it-all” phase (ages 16 to 19).
During the “roller coaster” phase,
teens experience extreme hormonal and
physical changes, such as acne, weight
gain, and facial hair growth, which leave
them feeling awkward at a time when
they are desperately trying to fit in. Dur-
ing the “know-it-all” phase, teens expe-
rience significant firsts as they prepare
for adulthood, such as driving, physical
contact with the opposite sex, and often
living on one’s own for the first time on
a college campus.
To clarify a bit, my daughter expe-
rienced mood changes that swung back
and forth like Tarzan on steroids during
her “roller coaster” phase, and during
my son’s “know-it-all” stage, he had the
habit of telling my husband and I, “Let
me explain this to you,” as if we just fell
off the turnip truck.
The teen years are particularly de-
manding on parents because expecta-
tions and rules must continually adapt to
their teen’s ever-changing behaviors.
THE ROLLER
COASTER PHASE
Anthony DeCamello, Ph.D., a psy-
chotherapist from Long Island who
specializes in treating at-risk teens,
describes the young adolescent as con-
flicted between wanting to rely on his
peers and still needing parental support.
He claims that this estrangement phase
38 WNY Family November 2018
TWEENS & TEENS
— by Myrna Beth Haskell
is difficult for parents because their child
becomes dismissive and no longer ideal-
izes them. “Though this can be emotion-
ally disconcerting, in my experience, it
proves to be less about willfully reject-
ing loved ones than carelessly struggling
with one’s own identity.”
“Younger teens are trying to figure
out who they are in relation to everyone
else,” says Shelly Furuness, Ph.D., an
assistant professor of middle/second-
ary education at Butler University in
Indianapolis, Indiana. She explains that
younger teens are constantly mirror-
checking because their bodies are in-
cessantly changing, and they fear that
they’ll look weird or different. “It’s
physically and emotionally harder for a
younger teen to control their behaviors.
They know what they’re supposed to do,
but it’s hard for them to contain their
emotions.”
WHAT’S A
PARENT TO DO?
Keep it together! Don’t get caught up
in the drama and sink to your teen’s level.
Try to empathize with your teen’s inner
turmoil and the likelihood that she liter-
ally feels uncomfortable in her own skin.
DeCamello urges parents to main-
tain their role as adult models and to
avoid “falling prey to reactive battles
with their teens.”
THE KNOW-IT-ALL
PHASE
Teens start to find their way dur-
ing this phase. Perhaps they are earning
their own income, driving to school, or
becoming increasingly secretive about
their love lives. Fortunately, their tem-
peraments are a bit more even-keeled
than their younger counterparts. DeCam-
ello reports, “As the teen years progress,
a trend toward less emotion-driven im-
pulsiveness and more thoughtful, pon-
dered responses begins to emerge.”
It’s not easy to allow your older
teen to make mistakes because the con-
sequences can be frightening, such as a
car accident or an unwanted pregnancy.
Furuness explains, “Older teenagers are
looking for independence and ways to
leave the nest. They take on responsibili-
ties to show they are capable of being on
their own.”
WHAT’S A
PARENT TO DO?
Let go. Allow your teen to grow
away from you and become a unique
person. Levester Johnson, Ed.D., the
vice president for student affairs at But-
ler University in Indianapolis, Indiana,
instructs parents to provide their teens
with more independence so they can ac-
quire the skills they will need as adults.
He says, “Give them more freedom
as they demonstrate that they’re using
their freedoms properly. Don’t sweat the
little things like hair and clothing that
they may be experimenting with.” John-
son also reminds parents that their teens’
successes and failures are all part of the
maturation process.
Thankfully, your younger teen…
will still ask you for advice.
doesn’t venture out with strange
friends in dilapidated cars.
has to go to the mall with you to
shop for clothing.
Thankfully, your older teen…
will drive your younger kids
around.