SINGLE PARENTING continued...
It will help your kids feel more secure about the changes taking
place. It can also clue you in to the reaction your partner will
have as you place a priority on your parenting responsibilities.
A good rule of thumb is to keep your dating life separate
from your family life at least until after you have had a chance
to test the relationship yourself. When both you and your part-
ner feel comfortable the relationship has a long-term future,
make the introductions, but don’t expect an instant bond. Let
the relationships unfold naturally. If you and your new partner
truly want to foster a successful blended family, your example
of patience and respect toward one another in a horizontal re-
lationship should set the tone for the vertical relationships you
expect between step-parents and children.
Take things slowly and keep the relationship in front of the
children at arms length. Overnight stays while the children are
around are not a good idea in the beginning. It will only cause
more tension for everyone involved and will appear to the chil-
dren that you are trying to force a new family concept on them.
Save kissing and cuddling for when the children are not around.
This will help them get to know your partner without feeling
embarrassment when you’re all together. Imagine sitting around
the house watching your mother and a strange man necking on
the couch (yuk)!
When you begin to talk more seriously with your partner
about marriage, then it is appropriate to take the relationship
between your partner and your children to a new level of close-
ness. At that point, you might want to have a sit-down discus-
sion with everyone to talk about the possibilities of blending the
family and spending more time together.
Allow your kids to express their feelings about the relation-
ship, and encourage them to be patient with your partner, just as
your partner is willing to be patient with them.
Remember, you were a parent before you were this person’s
date. Finding out how well your partner accepts the “package
deal” is very important to your decision to bond your life with
him or her. Observing interactions through gradually spending
more time together is always a good idea. Expect awkwardness,
allow for strong feelings, and don’t rush the future. Relax.
Before you decide to bond your life with another person,
think through what it is you owe your child and what you owe
yourself. You owe your children a harmonious environment in
which they are loved and accepted, not just tolerated. You owe
yourself the chance to be happy and experience a healthy, lov-
ing relationship. If your new partner brings the kind of quality
to your life that fulfills these needs, you can feel comfortable
you are on the right track.
Diane C. Dierks is a licensed marriage and family therapist in
Atlanta, Georgia. She is also author of “The Co-Parent Tool-
box” (2014 Aha! Publishing) and “Solo Parenting: Raising
Strong & Happy Families” (1997 Fairview Press). For more
information visit her website at www.dianedierks.com.
May 2019 WNY Family 69