SINGLE PARENTING
— by Diane C. Dierks, LMFT
#GetYourBounceOn
with a Monthly Play Pass.
ONLY $43.50
MONTHLY DRAWING!
Post pic at
Bounce Magic using
#GetYourBounceOn
@BounceMagicNY
And you could
Win 2 FREE Play Passes!
TODDLER TIME MORNINGS
Mon. – Fri. 9:30am – 11am
for children 5 and under
4255 McKinley Pkwy., Hamburg
4090 Maple Rd., Amherst
(716) 646-5867
bouncemagic.com
Family Activities with the Ex:
Is It Healthy?
D
ivorced parents often get
confusing messages from
professionals about wheth-
er or not it is appropriate to do family-
type activities with the children after di-
vorce. Some professionals suggest that
it is important for co-parents to commu-
nicate well and often, for the sake of the
kids, and others even suggest it is good
for kids to engage in joint activities that
involve both mom and dad after divorce
to show they can be friendly and civil.
For some parents, though, the thought
of spending time with the other parent
gives them nightmares, and they won-
der if they are depriving their children
of something important by staying far
away from the other parent.
The research in the field suggests
that kids of divorce do best when mom
and dad are engaged in functional com-
munication about the children and are
able to be courteous and flexible with
one another’s needs. Research also tells
us that kids fare the worst when their
parents are in continual conflict after
divorce, and kids do fairly well when
their parents engage in what is referred
to as “parallel parenting” — a phrase
used to describe parents who engage in
minimal communication with one an-
other, but manage to parent the children
without conflict.
The question of whether or not it is
68 WNY Family March 2019
healthy for parents to engage in post- di-
vorce activities with the kids really has
more to do with the ability of the parents
to do this without engaging in conflict
and where all family members are in the
grief process. Here are a few cautions:
1) Beware of Denial. If either par-
ent is in denial about the fact that the
divorce is happening, it is best to re-
frain from doing activities together that
might send the message to that parent
that there is hope of reconciliation. Typ-
ically, once divorce papers have been
signed, both parents have moved out
of the denial stage and are beginning to
accept their future fate, however, there
are some parents who don’t move out
of denial until the other parent gets into
another relationship — sometimes long
after the divorce is final! The same rule
is true for the children.
Kids, especially younger ones, can
have strong reconciliation fantasies
about their parents’ relationship, and
doing activities that feel like old times
can actually keep kids stuck in the de-
nial phase. It may be best to wait until
everyone has accepted the fact of the
divorce before trying to have a family
get-together of any sort.
2) Beware of Rituals. It is com-
mon for divorcing parents to promise
kids that although mom and dad are get-
ting divorce, they will continue to plan