I
’ m the last person to judge anyone for having made a serious mistake or two in life . Those of us who have endured divorce realize the negative lifetime impact a poor relationship choice can make on our family ’ s lives . There ’ s not a story out there that surprises me , and I always try to look at both sides of a coin , understanding what a person might have been going through during the time he or she made a bad decision . After all , none of us knows what we would do in a particular situation until we ’ ve faced the consequences ourselves . However , what emotions stir in you when you learn about :
• A mother who continues to have babies out of wedlock despite her dire financial state ?
• A dad who keeps fathering children without paying any child support ?
• A teen who gets pregnant again after multiple abortions ?
• A father who blows his paycheck on drugs or alcohol ?
Most of us feel anger because we know they are acting foolishly and are endangering our most precious resource — our children . When our government makes seemingly poor decisions that appear to jeopardize our youth or place our country in serious economic danger , we are all quick to criticize and want to fight back . Yet the decisions millions of parents make every day are often more damaging to our youth — and we tolerate it , albeit angrily and hopelessly .
Somewhere along the line , we have abused our freedom of choice . “ If
66 WNY Family June 2018
MAKING CHOICES
We Reap What We Sow
SINGLE PARENTING
— by Diane C . Dierks , LMFT
it feels good , do it ” reigns over asking “ What if ?” If you truly care about the future health and welfare of your children , take a moment to examine how and why you make decisions . A law of nature is that we reap what we sow . Let ’ s begin sowing seeds of wisdom for our children . Here are some suggestions :
• Build relationships with people who care about you and want to build you up — not tear you down . Think about what might be the red flags that indicate another person is interested in “ taking ” from you .
• Use the two-day-delay rule . Wait at least two days before making any serious decision . Ask yourself , “ How will this action affect my children and their future ?”
• Decide NOT to get romantically involved with someone until you have resolved old painful issues and feel confident about who you are and where you ’ re going in life .
• Make a list of all the goals you would like to fulfill in your lifetime and why . Figure out what teach them . you can do today to prepare .
• Make a list of what you would like to see your child accomplish . Figure out how you can help him / her get there .
• Pay attention to your behavior , your mood , and your talk . Your kids are scrutinizing everything you say and do . Make sure your behavior jives with the value system you want to
• Take pride in your single parent abilities and lifestyle . Don ’ t spend these years with your kids in bitterness over what might have been . Carpe diem , as they say , and seize the day . Find happiness and joy in what you have , and quit wasting time wishing for what you think you want .
It ’ s time to stop thinking tragedy will never happen , that our kids will automatically grow up to be better off than ourselves , and that it ’ s someone else ’ s responsibility to see to our welfare . It ’ s time to take control of not only our own lives , but the welfare of the generations that come after us . We ’ ve got to stop expecting our kids to be anything better than we ’ re willing to be ourselves . It ’ s time to take an active part in helping our kids plan for their education and job prospects . It ’ s time to care about the future .
Diane C . Dierks is a Marriage and Family Therapist in Atlanta . She is author of “ Solo Parenting : Raising Strong & Happy Families ” ( Fairview Press 1997 ) and “ The Co-Parent Tool Box ”( Aha ! Publishing 2014 ). Visit http :// www . dianedierks . com for more information .