SINGLE PARENTING
By Diane C. Dierks, LMFT
Dating
with
Children
Part 1
T
he first time I went out on a
real date after my divorce,
I felt like a teenager with
my mother sitting in the back seat. The
excitement of developing new relation-
ships with men was somehow dampened
by the sense that I was a parent burdened
with astronomical responsibilities — and
that I was ten times more cynical than I
had been 15 years prior! Nevertheless,
dating and socializing were important in-
gredients in my journey toward personal
growth.
There’s no doubt that getting atten-
tion and feeling wanted in a dating re-
lationship will cause you to feel good
about yourself, especially if you’ve suf-
fered a setback as a result of the death
of a spouse, divorce, or abandonment.
Romantic relationships, however, are
magnetic in nature and can mask a lot of
imperfections. Compound this complica-
tion with the presence of children and ex-
spouses, and dating can become a literal
nightmare. Before deciding to jump into
a relationship with someone, use your
past experiences and wisdom to guide
you through the dating maze.
Obviously, it takes more than good
looks, status, or charm to attract one
person to another. There are personality
traits, family backgrounds, belief sys-
tems, economic classes, social skills,
and a vast array of magnetic particles
that will cause satisfying sparks to fly
between a man and a woman. Because
we tend to attract people with similar
72 WNY Family April 2019
lifestyles and ideals, it’s important for us
to first examine ourselves to make sure
we will like what we attract.
Additionally, there are some nega-
tively charged relationships that are ex-
tremely dangerous — for instance, when
one person is passive and the other is
controlling. We find this to be the story in
many domestic abuse cases. Why does a
woman, who has been repeatedly abused
by her husband, get a divorce and go on
to marry another abuser? To many of us,
it’s a mystery. But because passive/con-
troller types are so strongly attracted to
one another, the pattern can only change
if one of them recognizes and breaks out
of his or her negative behavior.
It is extremely important to know
yourself and the temperament you are
likely to attract. On the other hand, many
relationships are very productive be-
cause they consist of two positively con-
nected individuals, each with a healthy
self-esteem and commitment to the rela-
tionship. Each case involves a strong and
satisfying initial attraction, but with two
starkly different outcomes.
How can you tell a good spark from
a bad one? Usually, at first, you can’t.
The best way to be sure you are on the
right track with someone is to spend a
great deal of time working on your own
personal growth. Newly divorced or sep-
arated people are extremely vulnerable
to making poor dating decisions. Dur-
ing this time, self-esteem is at its low-
est, cravings for love and attention are
at their highest, and throwing caution to
the wind feels especially liberating after
a stressful breakup. Understanding that
these are normal reactions should help
you view your relationships more ratio-
nally.
Given this unavoidable vulnerabil-
ity, it is often difficult to separate emo-
tional attachments from those that repre-
sent solid, life-long fulfillment. Your first
priority, therefore, should be to acquire
inner strength and self-confidence with-
out feeling “needy” for someone else’s
approval. Once you feel confident in your
ability to be responsible for your own
happiness, with or without a partner, a re-
lationship will then serve its true purpose:
to bring deeper meaning and higher qual-
ity to your life. Don’t settle for anything
less. If you strive to become the kind of
person you appreciate, love, respect, and
admire, you will no doubt begin to attract
the kinds of people who will mirror these
qualities. Remember this:
Love is a controlled decision not an in-
fatuated emotion. If your feelings for
another person are “out-of-control,”
you are not yet ready to make a decision
about loving that person for life.
If you have determined you are
ready for a healthy dating relationship,
there are some important issues associ-
ated with dating as a single parent that
are worth considering. The most com-
mon questions from single parents about
dating again are:
When is it healthy to introduce
my new partner to my children?
How do I deal with my child’s
jealousy?
How long should we date before
move in together or marry?
How do I maintain self-respect
and act responsibly?
We’ll talk about these and other
questions in Part II next month.
Diane C. Dierks is a licensed marriage
and family therapist in Atlanta, Georgia.
She is also author of “The Co-Parent
Toolbox” (2014 Aha! Publishing) and
“Solo Parenting: Raising Strong &
Happy Families” (1997 Fairview Press).
For more information visit her website
www.dianedierks.com.