Maidenberg counsels parents to
explain to their teens that it is normal
to experience a wide range of feelings.
Parents need to have respect for all reac-
tions and to give their teen space when
needed. “If they don’t want to talk about
the death, then don’t push the issue. If
they want to talk about it, then be there
for them.”
Too Young
to Die:
Helping your
teen cope with
the death
of a friend
Weichman agrees that parents need
to follow their teen’s lead. “Respect the
times that teens do not want to discuss
the situation, but be an attentive and em-
phatic listener when they do. Do not try
to ‘fix’ the situation. Just listen, listen,
listen,” he advises.
M
y
NY. “It is important
TWEENS & TEENS
daugh-
that this array of feel-
ter ’s
ings be acknowledged
— by Myrna Beth Haskell
classmate passed a few
and that the teen is
years ago. She was devastated. I was not
provided support and a safe place to ex-
prepared for the level of her grief. For
press his/her feelings,” she adds.
weeks, she vacillated from wanting to
Jerry Weichman, Ph.D., a clinical
talk non-stop about it to closing her door
psychologist and adolescent specialist
and saying she wanted to be alone.
in Newport Beach, CA, reports, “Some-
On too many occasions our small
community has been rocked by the trag-
ic passing of a teenager whose life was
suddenly cut short. Unfortunately, this
is not uncommon, and parents and com-
munity members need to be prepared for
the aftermath. times teens do not follow the stages of
grief in a linear fashion and tend to,
instead, bounce around stages. I have
found that more sensitive individuals
take longer to get through the stages of
shock and disbelief, anger, bargaining,
depression, and eventually acceptance.”
Parents play an important role in
helping their teens cope with the death
of a friend. There are times when a teen
might need to be with peers, but there
are also times when she needs the com-
fort of knowing her parents will drop
everything and lend an ear or a shoulder. Teens might experience emotions
that seem unusual or unexpected. “Be-
reaved teens typically become anxious
over the safety of other loved ones or
themselves. They may have physical
complaints without a disease or illness to
account for them. This happens especially
for teens who experience their friend dy-
ing from an illness,” Maidenberg asserts.
Expected
Behaviors
It is deeply painful for teens to lose
a friend because it is always untimely
and often unexpected. Parents should
understand that their teen will experi-
ence a wide range of emotions.
“Teens may become angry, con-
fused, and frightened by the way they
are feeling, the way others are feeling,
and by others’ reactions to their feel-
ings,” explains Michelle P. Maidenberg,
Ph.D., a psychotherapist and clinical
director of Westchester Group Works, a
Center for Group Therapy in Harrison,
58 WNY Family April 2019
Parental
Support
Aurora Winter, founder of the Grief
Coach Academy (www.griefcoachacad-
emy.com) and author of From Heart-
break to Happiness (Same Page, 2005),
explains, “It is uncomfortable for a par-
ent to see her teen suffering.” However,
Winter says that grief is normal and
natural, and can eventually unfold into
something positive. “The good news is
that studies show that after grief people
can experience post-traumatic growth.”
Maidenberg continues, “Be sure
to provide honest answers to questions
that are asked. Teens do not benefit from
‘not thinking about it’ or ‘putting it out
of their minds.’ Talking about the death
and directly addressing their questions
helps empower a teen, especially if it is
an unexpected and sudden death.”
“Small things can make a huge dif-
ference, such as creating and maintain-
ing a regular routine, going for walks
together, and providing healthy meals,”
says Winter. She also recommends that
parents provide a hub for their teen’s
friends to band together to honor their
deceased friend in a special way (such
as planting a tree or hosting a dinner
in their friend’s honor). She proposes,
“Challenge teens to come up with a cre-
ative idea of their own.”
Understanding
the Grieving
Process
There is a time for grieving and
sharing that grief with others who have
experienced the loss, but there is also a
time for getting back to a sense of nor-
malcy.
Weichman states, “It is critical that
parents are supportive throughout the
grieving process. The grief process may
be more lengthy and complicated with
teens, particularly if it is a teen’s first ex-
perience with loss. Discussions of how
death is part of the normal processes
in life can be helpful but should be re-
served until after the initial shock has
worn off.”