One Parent’s Experience
— by Lisa A. Beach
How a Pool Party Sparked
a Wave of Gratitude
T
he simplest moments can
often spark the most beauti-
ful memories and the biggest
waves of gratitude. My wave started with
a splash in our pool.
One hot summer afternoon, I incon-
spicuously peeked out my kitchen win-
dow to catch a glimpse of the five teens
splashing around in our pool with my
18-year-old son. I could barely contain
myself as I watched the group bat around
a beach ball, jump cannonball-style into
the pool, and laugh as they horsed around
with one another. I felt like my heart
would simply explode with happiness,
triggering a tsunami of gratitude that
made me weak in the knees.
What’s the big deal over a little pool
party?
For years, I’ve ached to hear the
sound of teens laughing on our back
porch while they munched on snacks,
cranked up some tunes, or played board
games. I’ve craved to watch a bunch of
kids swimming, playing pool volley-
ball, or floating on inner tubes. I looked
forward to a crowd of teens raiding my
fridge when they crashed at our house for
an overnighter. I’ve yearned for even a
handful of friends to just hang out at our
house on a Friday night to watch a movie
48 WNY Family April 2019
or play video games with my son.
But in four years of high school, this
never happened for my son. Not even
once. Why? Because my son has Asperg-
er’s Syndrome, an autism-spectrum dis-
order that often delivers a deadly blow to
a teen’s social life. People with Asperg-
er’s struggle with communication and
social skills, missing out on the nuances
of facial expressions, body language, and
social cues. In a nutshell, they are often
socially awkward, and other kids pick up
on this. The result? They struggle most
of their lives to make and keep friends.
While this always hurts (for both the kids
and the parents), it’s especially painful
during the teen years, when the impor-
tance of a social life peaks.
Most parents
don’t think twice
about their teen’s
friends
hanging
out at their house
— it’s a no-brainer
because it happens
so effortlessly. It’s
just a normal, take-
it-for-granted part
of adolescence. But
for parents of teens
with Asperger’s, it’s
anything but normal. And we think about
it a lot — it’s called wishful thinking.
Back in elementary school, things
were different. My son’s social life was
more like a pre-arranged marriage, with
playdates set up by moms on a weekly
basis. Birthday parties included just
about everyone in the class. Trips to the
playground involved nothing more than
a quick phone call to coordinate. I didn’t
know it at the time, but elementary school
was the golden age of acceptance, where
kids didn’t seem to pay much attention to
differences.
But around middle school, the so-
cial landscape changed dramatically.
Birthday party invitations ceased. Tex-
ting and lunchroom conversations about
the weekend replaced mom-coordinated
playdates. Before he even realized it, my
son was left out.
As a mother, it broke my heart to
watch my son sit home by himself just
about every weekend since middle school.
I get a lump in my throat just thinking
about it — not just the social exclusion
and the loneliness, but how this has pum-
meled my son’s self-esteem. He’s such a
great kid, but the other kids never both-
ered to dig beneath the social awkward-
ness. While other kids made plans with
each other to go to school dances, movies,
and parties, they never invited my son. In-
stead, he stayed home on Friday and Sat-
urday nights hanging out with our family.
I think his loneliness hit me harder than
it did him.
But then, this little pool party hap-
pened.
Going way out his comfort zone, and
ignoring his past social track record of