special needs children don’t respond well
to traditional parenting methods. Our
brains may explode if we hear that all
our child needs is more discipline one
more time. Discipline isn’t the issue. Our
child’s condition is — and that isn’t their
fault or ours. My husband’s mother even
cut off contact because she found our
situation to be too stressful to be part of.
— by Rachael Moshman
We’re fragile. We feel judged all the
time. We want what’s best for our child
like any other parent and worry if we’re
doing enough for them. We often don’t
have enough time or energy left to take
care of ourselves.
5 Things to Know About Parents
of Children with Special Needs
M
y husband and I adopted
our daughter when she
was nine years old. She
has a long list of mental health diagno-
ses. We quickly discovered that parenting
a child with special needs results in the
whole family having a challenging set of
special needs.
As I’ve interacted with other parents
of children with special needs, I’ve no-
ticed that there are some factors that most
of us have in common. These charac-
teristics are typically present regardless
of if the child has been diagnosed with
ADHD, autism, physical disabilities,
Down syndrome, emotional issues or any
other special needs.
We’re tired. Really, really tired.
Exhausted, actually. This isn’t an occa-
sional thing for us. We don’t miss out on
a full night of sleep once in a while. It’s
all of the time. My daughter suffers with
insomnia and nocturnal panic attacks.
It is not uncommon for her to be awake
for most of the night. Even if we do get
enough sleep, we’re still run down from
all of the energy it takes to manage our
child’s condition. Our schedules are jam
packed with various doctor, therapy, and
psychiatric appointments, IEP meetings,
and trips to the pharmacy. On top of it all,
we still have to go to work and keep up
with general household duties.
42 WNY Family April 2019
Our brains our constantly busy.
We’re always considering possible trig-
gers in every situation, wondering how
to explain our child’s unique needs to
others and worrying about the future.
My daughter suffers from post-traumatic
stress disorder and seemingly innocent
encounters can send her into a meltdown.
I spend hours analyzing every one, look-
ing for the trigger, and making plans to
help her process it and get through it bet-
ter next time.
We know more about our child’s
condition than most doctors. I’ve read
piles of books on mental health and my
daughter’s specific diagnosis. I keep up
with the latest research online. Her pedi-
atrician, psychiatrist, therapist, and other
professionals have commented I know
more than many of their colleagues. I
had to become the expert for my child.
I’ve found this is true with most parents
of children with special needs. I know a
few parents who went back to school to
get degrees to become teachers, thera-
pists, social workers, and researchers
helping other families like their own.
We’re lonely. Our friends and fam-
ily often have stepped away because our
child’s needs made them uncomfortable.
Or perhaps we had to step away from
them because they refused to respect our
boundaries and parenting decisions. Most
We’ve tried everything. We know
you want to help, but if there is a possible
solution we’ve tried it. I’ve been asked
countless times if I’ve tried “warm milk”
for my daughter’s insomnia. We’ve tried
everything on a quest to make life easier
for our children and families — con-
ventional and unconventional. We need
friends to listen and support, but we don’t
need you to offer solutions.
We’re desperate for normalcy.
Yes, we’re overwhelmed and exhaust-
ed. Our children have quirks and chal-
lenges that often make navigating life
challenging. But we’re up for the chal-
lenge and are teaching them to be open to
all that life has to offer, too. Don’t leave
us out. Invite us to your birthday parties,
playdates, and mom’s night outs. Our
participation depends on many factors,
but we still want to be included and will
do our best to be there and have fun. Vent
to us about your problems and share the
latest celebrity gossip. Much of our lives
are spent inside a small bubble trying to
manage our child’s needs. We welcome
the chance for some fresh air.
So what can you do to help parents of
children with special needs? Understand
that we’re overwhelmed and near the
edge. Bring us coffee and a muffin “just
because.” Tell us we’re doing a great job.
Be gentle and kind with us. We’re doing
the best we can.
Rachael Moshman is a mother, freelance
writer, educator and family advocate. Find
her on Twitter @rachaelmoshman.