Wiregrass Seniors Magazine December 2017 DECEMBER ISSUE | Page 9

WiregrassSeniorsMagazine.com
Good Grief
Michael
Brickey, Ph.D
As a psychologist I have worked with many people
who were stuck in grief. They speak about losing someone
with poignant emotion–as if it happened yesterday. But it
happened years ago, sometimes decades ago. Other
people, however, deal with loss very effectively and come
to terms with a loss within a few months. What accounts
for the difference? Those who deal effectively have better
mental strategies for dealing with loss.
People who get stuck often form visual images in
their mind’s eye. Perhaps it is everyone gathered around
the table for Christmas dinner–but there is the empty chair
where momma is supposed to be. This image freezes the
loss in time. It compares a picture of the way Christmas “is
supposed to be” with the absence of momma and con-
cludes that Christmas will never be the same again. Other
people who get stuck see mom (or whomever they lost) in
a hospital bed, wasting away with tubes and machines dron-
ing on. This image of mom is sure to elicit sad feelings. The
empty chair or hospital bed scenes, however, are only two
of billions of possible images. They do not represent the
essence of mom.
If you see the person in your mind’s eye, you can
change the image and thereby change how you feel. Mov-
ing the image away from your head, making the image smaller,
making it black and white, and making it dimmer, all make
the image less intense. Conversely, making an image closer
to your head, bigger, colorful, and bright usually makes an
image more intense. Try it. The idea is to make resourceful
images intense and unresourceful images seem to be a dis-
tant memory.
An author talked about how profoundly pervasive the death
of a parent was and how she viewed everything in her life
as “BDD–Before Dad Died–and the ADD–After Dad
Died.” This approach intensifies the anguish as opposed to
seeing parents dying as the natural order of things and one-
self as mature enough to handle.
Art Linkletter's daughter committed suicide and his
son died in an automobile accident. He could have easily
rationalized being bitter, but put it this way: “Too many
people who lose others–mothers, fathers, children, friends–
become people who see grief as a tent pole for their life.
They cherish it almost, they clutch it to them, they never let
it go, and that grief becomes the impelling force for a nega-
tive, bitter, unhappy, vengeful unforgiving life. Other people,
like myself, use it as a springboard for being a better per-
son and for enjoying life more and for appreciating all the
good things in it as a counter to the other things that are
going to happen.”
Page 9
You can care
and feel without
feeling every death is
tragic. Most deaths
aren’t a tragedy. A
tragedy is not living
life fully, a list of what
ifs, and not connecting
with life. For many
people the tragedy
occurred years ago
when they numbed
themselves to
experiencing life fully.
As poet Stephen Vincent Benét put it, “Life is not lost by
dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by dragging day, in
all the thousand small uncaring ways.” For those who have
lived a full life but disease has greatly compromised their
lives, death can be a relief.
People who deal effectively with loss often see
the deceased as an ongoing presence in their lives. A hu-
morous but good example is Fred Sanford from the tele-
vision show Sanford and Son. When Fred (played by Red
Foxx) was having a hard time he would feign “having the
big one” (a heart attack). He would then look up and talk
with his deceased wife Elizabeth. He wasn’t crazy. He just
knew her so well that he could sense her presence, imag-
ine a conversation with her, and gain comfort and guid-
ance from the experience. Actually, he probably got along
better with her after her death than in real life as he was a
cantankerous character.
Teachers and professors are particularly good role
models for letting go. They have their students for only a
year or a few years and then must focus on inspiring a new
cadre of students. Do they complain that they can’t bear
to let their babies go? No, they realize that it is time for the
students to leave the nest and fly. While they could be-
come sad at the students leaving, they instead are joyful to
see them move on to new challenges. They feel enriched
and invigorated from having worked with them.
We too need to appreciate the rhythms of life and work
Dr. Michael Brickey is President of the Ageless Lifestyles
Institute and author of Defy Aging. His new
book, 52 baby steps toGrow Young, gives two-
page-a-week practical steps for developing a
youthful mindset at every age. Further
information is at www.DrBrickey.com and
www.52babysteps.com.