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The Caring Child: How to
Teach Empathy (Ages 3 to 4)
By Mary VanClay
Reviewed by the BabyCenter Medical Advisory Board
Updated March 2017
What to expect at this age
Human beings are prewired to be empathetic, at
least to some extent: Research shows that when
one infant in a nursery cries, those who cry along
tend to grow up to have the most empathy. (So
take heart the next time your baby starts wailing
the minute your preschooler breaks down in
tears.) Still, 3- and 4-year-olds, as any parent
knows, are not models of selfless, generous
behavior. "They're not developmentally capable
of understanding empathy," says Jane Nelsen, a
child therapist and co-author of Positive
Discipline for Preschoolers. "But this doesn't
mean you shouldn't keep teaching it to them. If
your preschooler hits his sister, for instance, you
can say, 'It hurts when you hit people. Here's how
you touch nicely. How does that feel?' At some
point your words will kick in – just expect it to
take a while.”
What you can do
Label the feeling. Begin by putting a name to
your preschooler's behavior so he can recognize
emotions. Say, "Oh, you're being so kind," when
he kisses your hurt finger. He'll learn from your
reaction that his responsiveness is recognized
and valued. He needs to understand negative
emotions, too, so don't be afraid to calmly point
out when your preschooler's being less than
caring. Try saying, "It made your baby brother
really sad when you grabbed his rattle. What
could you do to help him feel better?"
Another way to teach your preschooler to
understand and define his emotions is to have a
"feeling of the week." Each week, put up on the
refrigerator or bulletin board a picture of someone
experiencing a basic emotion – sadness,
happiness, surprise, anger. Talk with your child
about times when he felt each of these emotions.
Praise empathetic behavior. When your
preschooler performs an act of kindness, tell him
what he did right, and be as specific as possible:
“You were very generous to share your toy car
with your baby brother! That made him happy.
See how he's smiling?”
Encourage your preschooler to talk about his
feelings – and yours. Let him know that you
care about his feelings by listening intently. Look
him in the eye when he talks to you, and
paraphrase what he says. When he shouts,
"Hooray!" for example, respond with "Oh, you're
feeling happy today." He may not know how to
answer if you ask him why, but he'll have no
problem talking about "feeling happy." Similarly,
you can share your own feelings with him: "I feel
sad that you hit me. Let's think of another way
you could tell me you don't want to wear those
shoes." He'll learn that his actions affect others, a
tough concept for young children to grasp.
It's also fine to share your feelings even if they
don't relate to your child's actions. You can say,
"I'm sad that I didn't get to mail my letter to
Grandma today" or "Sometimes I get annoyed
with Daddy even though I love him very much."
Your preschooler will learn that adults have
feelings and emotions too, that they're a normal
part of life, and that learning to cope with them is
an important part of growing up.
Point out other people's behavior. Teach your
preschooler to notice when someone else
behaves kindly. Try saying, "Remember that lady
at the grocery store, the one who helped us pick
up our food when I dropped the bag? She was
really nice to us, and she made me feel better
when I was upset." By doing this, you reinforce
your child's understanding of how people's
actions can affect him emotionally. Books also
provide good examples for preschoolers to relate
to. Ask your child how he thinks the lost puppy in
one story is feeling, or why the little girl in another
is smiling. Tell him how you'd feel if you were one
of those characters, and ask how he'd react.
These discussions will help him learn about other
people's emotions and relate them to his own.