Robin Grille on the three biggest parenting struggles of our modern world and how families can overcome them gently
1. Guilt of not doing it right!
A modern day struggle because we now have information - we are coming out of denial; the denial that says that what happens to a baby doesn’t matter. We are at a great time in history to have a lot of information at our fingertips, but the downside of that is that it can make you feel quite anxious! No wonder we are scared - we now know that what happens to babies does matter. Mothers have never been so terrified and worried about damaging their child.
How can we trust more and follow our intuition? Especially if it’s not something we learned to do when we were little.
The thing about listening to your instincts is that it’s very hard to listen to them if you have a lot of anxiety about doing things wrong and damaging your child. It’s a truthful anxiety but you’ll be reacting to that rather than to what your child is saying. This can potentially become a projection onto your child. The thing we need to address first is something that really answers your anxiety. That way you won’t be drowning in self doubt but rather be in a state of enjoyment and experience freedom! When we (as parents) get it wrong (saying when here not if as this has and will happen very, very, very often) we are not going to damage our children.
There are two thing to understand about what happens when you get it wrong that will help you enjoy the process a little more:
It doesn’t end at getting it wrong! It’s about what we do after that makes the difference and right there, there is a lot of freedom.
You’re gonna get it wrong a lot.
Offer the menu:
“Is it this?”
“No it’s not that!”
“Oh, do you want that then?”
“No it’s not that either.”
Ok did you want number three then?”
“Yes, that’s the one! What took you so long?”
“Well, because I am a human I get thing’s wrong and that’s what took me so long.”
You see it’s what we do afterwards. Babies don’t need us to get it right as much as they need us to respond to their protest when we get it wrong for them. That’s how they reconnect. Our relationship with our children is about reconnecting after our disconnection. This right here is a very valuable lesson for them to learn. “Oh, I live on a planet where even though I had a fight with my very best friend and we abandon one another, life doesn’t end there. We live in a world where we make up afterwards. “
What we do after a disconnect to reconnect, that’s what deepens your relationship. If you understand that you are going to be really at peace. You can get it wrong and still get it right.
I didn’t want my mum to get it write all the time. I didn’t want her to fall apart in guilt and disconnect about getting things wrong. I wanted her to say: “Ok, I see i got it wrong. You’re right no wonder you’re upset with me. What did you want from me instead?” (Imagine our parents talked to us like that).
Your baby gives you the best advice there is. Listen to them! Don’t be frightened when you get it wrong!
damaging your child. It’s a truthful anxiety, but you’ll be reacting to that rather than to what your child is saying. This can potentially become a projection onto your child. The thing we need to address first is something that really answers your anxiety. That way you won’t be drowning in self doubt but rather be in a state of enjoyment and experience freedom! When we (as parents) get it wrong (saying 'when' here not 'if', as this has and will happen very, very, very often), we are not going to damage our children.
There are two things to understand about what happens when you get it wrong, that will help you enjoy the process a little more:
1. It doesn’t end at getting it wrong!
2. It’s about what we do afterwards that makes the difference and right there is a lot of freedom.
You’re gonna get it wrong a lot.
Offer the menu:
“Is it this?”
“No it’s not that!”
“Oh, do you want that then?”
“No it’s not that either.”
"Ok did you want number three then?”
“Yes, that’s the one! What took you so long?”
“Well, because I am a human I get things wrong and that’s what took me so long.”
You see it’s what we do afterwards. Babies don’t need us to get it right as much as they need us to respond to their protest when we get it wrong for them. That’s how they reconnect. Our relationship with our children is about reconnecting after our disconnection. This right here is a very valuable lesson for them to learn. “Oh, I live on a planet where even though I had a fight with my very best friend and we abandon one another, life doesn’t end there. We live in a world where we make up afterwards. “
What we do after a disconnect to reconnect, that’s what deepens your relationship. If you understand that you are going to be really at peace. You can get it wrong and still get it right.
I didn’t want my mum to get it write all the time. I didn’t want her to fall apart in guilt and disconnect about getting things wrong. I wanted her to say: “Ok, I see i got it wrong. You’re right no wonder you’re upset with me. What did you want from me instead?” (Imagine our parents talked to us like that).
Your baby gives you the best advice there is. Listen to them! Don’t be frightened when you get it wrong!