During the first weeks home :
You will learn to love pasta.
Yes, you’re holding the baby wrong. Do it her way.
After a day of changing diapers, it will be second nature.
During the second week home from the hospital, you will learn to love pasta.
You’ll be surprised and amazed how well you can function on so little sleep.
No one knows why babies need so many clothes, especially since they don’t get out much. It’s one of those things you’ll try figuring out for the rest of your life. Be prepared to do laundry 3 to 4 times a day..of just baby clothes.
It’s perfectly normal to stare at your sleeping baby for two hours. It’s even normal to take a video of your sleeping baby for two hours.
Never get ready for work then grab the baby, you will get thrown up on.
Things you thought would make you sick but won’t: baby poop, baby pee, baby puke — and having all of them on your shirt.
During the third week home — yup. pasta.
Your partner will probably eat more than a sumo wrestler. Don’t try to compete.
Sometime after the birth, we will go on a “date.” Once you get in the car, she will start missing the baby. Don’t worry; this doesn’t last forever.
Now you know why your friends use really great condoms.
After a slew of family visits, you will learn to appreciate the show “Everybody Loves Raymond.”
The only weight you can control is your own, don’t make subtle hints about losing the baby weight…4 years after the baby is born.
Now you’ll know why all those dads at the mall walk around in those ridiculous cotton sweats…it’s all they can afford and all they can muster enough energy to put on after eating ALL that pasta!
Within six months, you’ll resume some semblance of a sex life. With any luck, it will be with your partner. Of course it changes everything. That’s the whole point, isn’t it?