2018.
it felt like a dream, composed of dazed summertime with
blazing colors and all those nights fused with too little
oxygen and too much blood-pumping lust. i became myself, i
fell back to the numb; then i lived a double life, and then
i laughed as i cried the most tears i’ve ever cried.
i’d like to think that i have broken the walls this year.
time after time i went against the nature of things and
chased after what my heart wants. the hype. oh how i loved
the hype. my heart drops again as their drumsticks hit the
fucking drum, again. i’m going up, and my life will only go
up from now on. i’m making it. oh this time i’m sure i’m
making it.
there are price to pay, i’m always aware of that.
all those times i cried myself to sleep, screamed those
voiceless screams in the shower, gazed into the void under
the soft lights of 2am, were they worth it? is this really
a price i’m paying for after all? for that years ago i used
you and paid nothing afterwards so now this is a price i’m
paying for? how many more times, people, years? will you
ever stop echoing in my heart for that your existence has
long ceased from years ago?
i’m learning to find my happiness again, and this year more
than ever i feel like i have it in my hands. through the
wind, through the smiles, and the dying sun breezing over
my skin leaving a golden aftermath. let things be, i said,
let them be. i’ve tried my hardest and i am at my prime. i
might have wronged you, but i’ve learned to do what’s
right.
i love you, i love you, i love you i love you i love you i
love you.
2018, you redefined love for me from all the little
instances despite that you have also given me the highest
highs.
this fool who keeps chasing after all the wrong things,
this mortal body who has spent her short 19 years so far
loving in the most draining way possible, has finally
realized she wants a change because after all she just
wanted a home. after all, half a decade later, what i
wanted is still what i want.
so perhaps i will go try to find home in all the wrong
places again, so perhaps one day you will find my name
either on a billboard or a tiny newspaper obituary, so
perhaps a purpose will never be given—
does it matter after all?
i loved, my dear. for my whole life i’ve loved you. it’s
time to love me.