Prime Minister David Cameron has announced a bold new initiative to help identify who is a productive member of society and who is not – by keeping a constant smear of shit on the faces of all non-Conservative voters.
Just as all refugees will be given wrist bands to mark them as such, non-Tory voters will now be forced to constantly wear a shit smear on the left side of their faces to mark their left-wing ideals.
Cameron said:
‘As we all know, since Jeremy Corbyn became the leader of the Labour Party, they have become an extreme left-wing terrorist network. They are led by the type of men who don’t even get a semi at the thought of bombing another country. These types, and indeed all non-Conservatives, must be marked with a shit smear of shame so that we can identify them by sight immediately.
This will also create many new jobs as each community will need several shit smearers to make sure everyone is properly marked.’
The shit used to make the smear will be a mixture of human excrement from the Houses of Parliament as well as pig faeces sourced personally by the Prime Minister who is known to be close acquaintances with several pig farmers.
While unhappy at the prospect of having shit smeared on their faces daily many refuse to alter their political alignment. Mary Hamer (41) of Liverpool said: ‘I’d rather cover my entire body with shit than ever vote Conservative.’
The shit used to make the smear will be a mixture of human excrement from the Houses of Parliament as well as pig faeces sourced personally by the Prime Minister who is known to be close acquaintances with several pig farmers.
While unhappy at the prospect of having shit smeared on their faces daily, many refuse to alter their political alignment. Mary Hamer (41) of Liverpool said: ‘I’d rather cover my entire body with shit than ever vote Conservative.’