upon. No, he’d want out from me, sick of my crying,
my self-loathing, and my mid-twenties agony.
I glanced at the dashboard clock. 6:43. I probably
had five minutes left before I’d get to the restau-
rant. Where I could be all smiles and laughs, hell –
I might even feel a little better, and then I could
go home and go the fuck to sleep. I kept pushing my-
self to spend time with people. It’d be good for me.
I owed it to them. After everything we’d all been
through together…
In the distance, I saw a squirrel run across the
road. I was far enough away that it crossed without
becoming tire paint. But then – shit! A fucking deer
jumped out, right in front of my car. For a split
second, we stared at each other, its big eyes look-
ing like voids. Like there was nothing behind them.
I hit the brakes, which slowed me down, but the rain
insisted I keep going. My back tightened, hands
gripped the wheel as I tried to crouch. Kind of hard
to do while driving and buckled in. At once, I heard
a crash, heard myself scream, and began to black
out.
When I came to, I was in the hospital. I glanced
at the clock against the wall. 8:03. Shit. I’d be
more than late to this dinner. Maybe now I could
just go home instead. I saw the paper gown draped
across my body, white with little green polka dots.
I had a dress with that same pattern when I was a
little girl. I must’ve been eight or nine the last
time I could fit into that dress. I wonder what Mom-
ma did with it. Maybe she gave it to Goodwill? Hope-
fully not the Salvation Army…then I realized. My
eyes weren’t open. I had tubes coming from my mouth
and arms. I was looking at myself, my body, from the
ceiling.
A nurse took my pulse – my body’s pulse, and shook
her head slowly. It looked like she would start to
tear up. I wonder if being a nurse made people im-
mune to this kind of situation, this kind of pity.
But I certainly was not immune. Once I realized
where I was, I let out the loudest wail I could. My
body didn’t look up at me. Neither did the nurse.
Even though I didn’t have my body anymore, I felt
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