VISIBILITY Magazine Issue 02. (April 2017) - Page 35

upon. No, he’d want out from me, sick of my crying, my self-loathing, and my mid-twenties agony. I glanced at the dashboard clock. 6:43. I probably had five minutes left before I’d get to the restau- rant. Where I could be all smiles and laughs, hell – I might even feel a little better, and then I could go home and go the fuck to sleep. I kept pushing my- self to spend time with people. It’d be good for me. I owed it to them. After everything we’d all been through together… In the distance, I saw a squirrel run across the road. I was far enough away that it crossed without becoming tire paint. But then – shit! A fucking deer jumped out, right in front of my car. For a split second, we stared at each other, its big eyes look- ing like voids. Like there was nothing behind them. I hit the brakes, which slowed me down, but the rain insisted I keep going. My back tightened, hands gripped the wheel as I tried to crouch. Kind of hard to do while driving and buckled in. At once, I heard a crash, heard myself scream, and began to black out. When I came to, I was in the hospital. I glanced at the clock against the wall. 8:03. Shit. I’d be more than late to this dinner. Maybe now I could just go home instead. I saw the paper gown draped across my body, white with little green polka dots. I had a dress with that same pattern when I was a little girl. I must’ve been eight or nine the last time I could fit into that dress. I wonder what Mom- ma did with it. Maybe she gave it to Goodwill? Hope- fully not the Salvation Army…then I realized. My eyes weren’t open. I had tubes coming from my mouth and arms. I was looking at myself, my body, from the ceiling. A nurse took my pulse – my body’s pulse, and shook her head slowly. It looked like she would start to tear up. I wonder if being a nurse made people im- mune to this kind of situation, this kind of pity. But I certainly was not immune. Once I realized where I was, I let out the loudest wail I could. My body didn’t look up at me. Neither did the nurse. Even though I didn’t have my body anymore, I felt 28