You Wouldn’t Be so Ugly If You
Would Just Become a Biblical Figure
Marissa Cohen
If you are really looking to cure all that ugliness you should just become a
biblical figure. You are unattractive for a woman, but you are just below average
for someone born before the invention of modern hygiene. Quit complaining,
rewind time, and do something semi¬-magical seeming. Be revered as a person
of large importance in the Judeo-Christian scriptures. You are so, so lazy. Janice.
Biblical figures are remembered throughout history as pretty white people
with cherub-like faces that almost always lean to one side. Being a pretty white
person can get you anywhere in this world, regardless of which direction your
face almost always leans. Maybe you do not wish to look like a fat baby angel.
Surely you must admit that supernatural childhood obesity is preferable to
how you look now, Janice. You will not look sort of like a painting. You will be
a painting. Because you will be prominent in biblical times when photography
was not invented. Lucky for you.
As you morph into the type of deity that would be loved and adored by hordes
of people for centuries to come, stay true to yourself. Be the real you as long
as the real you can succeed in gaining an adoring following of human
sheep. Cult followings are the ultimate confidence boosters, especially
when they are from biblical times and therefore too stupid to see right
through you. Jesus turned water into wine. You should easily turn into
a somewhat decent-looking biblical figure. Put a little effort into your
showmanship, Janice, for once in your physically disgusting life. No
offense.
Becoming a biblical figure is really not that hard. If you have
the energy to drag your grotesque body out of bed each
morning, looking the way you do, then you can certainly
manage to gather a medium-sized following in the
biblical era. It takes a lot of confidence to show up
in public with those flabby cheeks, those dry rat
eyes. I commend you, Janice. Now put that
same confidence to something greater
than thou. Become a biblical figure.
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