I wish I was a little kid again
Because big matters didn’t seem so big
And the darkness had not yet clawed its way into my head
Back then, I knew the difference between right and wrong
and didn’t know the difference between black and white
I hadn’t figured out that I was too white for the blacks
And too black for the whites.
That was when biracial meant pretty
And not some derogatory term
That cut me down
Chopped me up
And left me for the crows
I wish I was a little kid again
When the only thing challenging was monkey bars
And stars kept my wishes secret
wishes with worms wiggling within, making it come to life
Before I knew what a broken promise was
And believed pain was temporary
Before I had claw marks on my arms
Because I tried so hard to keep myself together
To make it day after day after day and into the night
When love was unconditional
And the only thing you could do wrong was talk back
Then I grew up
I wish I was a little kid again
When darkness was scary
And not a long-lost lover
When fairy tales were true
Because they were something to believe in
When the outside was a mysterious place
And not meant to be looked at from a window
When death was not a sweet aroma in the air
And mental breakdowns were yet to be discovered
I wish I was a little kid again
Because back then the little voices in my head were positive.
I could dance around problems till late at night and play with the stars
I could joke with moonbeams and make faces at the girl on the other side of the pond.
Back then, everyone was smart.
Maybe not as smart as the kids who go to the special wooden building, but still smart
“She’s a bright one” they’d say. “Great potential.”
Sad thing is, I believed them.
I wish I was a little kid again
Back then, it was easier thinking that falling in love is easy
And falling out of it was not. I was wrong.
I remember the day I made a mask
And I remember I have yet to take it off.
Dozens of masks are spread in front of me
All for different occasions.
I have one that’s happy, one that’s sad
One that’s okay, and one that has everything together.
The younger me, the happy me,
Picks out the mask for the day, asking if this is really necessary
I kneel, take their hands in mine,
And respond, “You’ll understand in a few years, when school gets hard
And your pillow turns white because you waste tears on yourself.
When you wish you were a little kid again,
And you wish you didn’t have to wish.”
"I Wish I Was A Little Kid Again"- Erin Kaufman