Unnamed Journal Volume 2, Issue 3 - Page 9

How I’m Pretty Sure World War One Started to the Channel ports. As in, they will declare war on us before Kluck here figures out which way is east! von Kluck: Dude, seriously? von Falkenhayn: [to Kluck] Dude, don’t. [to Kaiser] But All-Highest, wasn’t it you that called the British forces a “contemptible little army”? Kaiser: [sighs] Yes, I did, Falkenhayn. I said that. It happens to be true. For some reason, the British think they can fight every land war on the cheap. Last I checked, rich men were still buying officer’s commissions for their sons. I wouldn’t be surprised if the bulk of them showed up in France armed with Brown Besses. But as it happens, I’m not super-worried about their army. von Kluck: Ohhhhh… von Moltke: Their navy. Kaiser: Their navy. Their gigantic, terrifying, dreadnought-stuffed, world-sea-lanes- dominating navy. It’s actually starting to scare me that not one of you has mentioned another plan. Would someone take the time to reassure me that another plan, in fact, exists? von Falkenhayn: What can their navy do to us? Kaiser: Oh, nothing much, Falkenhayn. Just attack all our overseas colonies, shut down our international trade routes, set up a continental blockade to prevent needed goods from getting to us. You know, just the same crap they did to Napoleon. Other than that, yeah, let’s not worry. von Falkenhayn: But we have a navy of our own, All-Highest. Kaiser: Don’t tell me about our navy! I’m the one who had the fucking thing built, remember? I’m the one who kept his knee in the back of all those Social Democrats to get the funding for it. I just wanted a couple of cool battleships to throw some weight around while everyone scrambled for African colonies. But the British had to get all paranoid. Like I was really gonna try to out-navy them! Uptight fuckin limeys! Now they’ve doubled the size of their fleet! If we send my shiny new navy out to tangle with them in their own backyard, it’s gonna make Trafalgar look like a tugboat race! What am I, a schmuck on wheels? von Moltke: But if all goes well, All-Highest, the French will ask for terms well before any blockade could take effect… Kaiser: And that’s another thing. What makes you think the French are just going to roll over this time? von Moltke: Well… von Kluck: …that is…uh