Unnamed Journal Volume 2, Issue 3 - Page 8

How I’m Pretty Sure World War One Started Kaiser: Did I hear you right? Did you just say that, because the French have bulked up on their border, we’re just going to invade Belgium to get at them? von Moltke: That’s correct, All-Highest. Kaiser: Belgium. von Moltke: Y-yes, My Emperor. Belgium. Kaiser: A tiny postage stamp of a country that’s never done anything to anyone. von Falkenhayn: If you don’t count the Congo. Kaiser: And we’re just going to blitz in there without a how-do-you-do, just because they happen to be in our way. And you’re all…okay with that? von Kluck: That’s the plan, All-Highest. Kaiser: Do we have another plan? von Moltke: Perhaps if Your Imperial Majesty could help me understand his objections… Kaiser: Sure. What does Belgium border on? von Kluck: Uh…France and Germany? Kaiser: Are you taking the piss, Kluck? Do I look amused to you? von Kluck: I apologize, All-Highest. Kaiser: Watch your ass. I notice none of you have said anything about an alternate plan. von Falkenhayn: All-Highest, are you referring to the North Sea? Kaiser: I would be Falkenhayn, if Belgium bordered the North Sea. Are you all genetic imbeciles? Can none of you read a map? von Moltke: I… Kaiser: THE ENGLISH CHANNEL. The English Goddamned Channel, as in you can fucking see the fucking White Cliffs of Fucking Dover on a clear day! von Moltke: Your Majesty believes that the English would feel threatened? Kaiser: Why, yes I do, Moltke! And do you know why I think so? Because I don’t just spend my free time lying around drinking schnapps and being awesome; occasionally I crack open these neat things called books! And in these miracle inventions I find information about the past! They call it History! And do you know what history tells me, Moltke? von Moltke: I could not say, All-Hi… Kaiser: It tells me that the English are twitchier than Rasputin’s coke dealer when it comes