Unnamed Journal Volume 2, Issue 3 - Page 13

How I’m Pretty Sure World War One Started handedly, they would have done it by now. What I said about us attacking them goes double for them attacking us. von Falkenhayn: So a defensive war… Kaiser: Why the hell do you think my grandfather took the Alsace-Lorraine from them in the first place? Even if they manage to push anywhere, they’ll only be ripping up stuff that used to be theirs. I’ll bet Bethmann-Hollweg’s next birthday present they never got anywhere near anything that hurts us. von Moltke: So, if I understand you, All-Highest, you propose putting the bulk of our forces on the Eastern front to crush the Russian army quickly and then seize their most valuable territories, while keeping a lesser force to contain the French army? von Kluck: Thus sparing us the trouble of invading Belgium and antagonizing the British. Kaiser: The British stay neutral, the sea lanes stay open, and our forces would be just where they’d need to be if the Austrians needed help. von Kluck: Wow. That’s…a really good plan. von Falkenhayn: It really is. von Moltke: That could work. Kaiser: So, is there any way we could… do that? von Kluck: Ah… von Falkenhayn: Could… von Moltke: No. No, we can’t. Kaiser: [starts drinking again] Awesome. [awkward silence] Kaiser: You know what? Fuck it. Do the Schlieffen thing. Give fucking Kluck here like, all the guys. He can race to the English Channel like a little lemming schnitzel and then turn left. Maybe we’ll get lucky. von Kluck: Fortune favors the bold, All-Highest. Kaiser: Whatever. Keep some guys on the Eastern Front just to keep the Russians honest, and let’s pray the Austrians remember how to get to Belgrade and the Italians remember whose side they’re on. That’ll work, right? von Moltke: Of course it will! von Falkenhayn: Totally.