Unnamed Journal Volume 2, Issue 3 - Page 11

How I’m Pretty Sure World War One Started von Moltke: They will. Kaiser: But. What. If. They. Don’t? Roll-play this with me, Moltke. Let’s say that Kluck moves fast through Belgium, but not quite fast enough. Let’s say that the French prove tougher than you think. Let’s say that the British send over an expeditionary force that’s not armed with broomsticks and drinking songs. Then what happens? von Moltke: Our superior Teutonic Kultur overwhelms them? Kaiser: No, you pissant. What happens is the cream of our grand army, the best goddamned infantry to ever put one foot in front of another, gets stuck in the mud of fucking BELGIUM with no way to go back or forward, while those Cossack sluts to our East just keep mobilizing, and the Austrians and Serbs have a giggly slap-fight that goes nowhere until fucking Ragnarok! WHY IS THIS OUR PLAN? [enter Bethmann-Hollweg with a bottle of schnapps in a velvet carrying bag] von Falkenhayn: You know, he’s right. We really should have another plan. Kaiser: You know, you really should! You really fucking should! Like, what if we needed to attack, I dunno, Italy? von Moltke: But they’re our ally… Kaiser: Right, because no Italian has ever fucked over an ally before! What the fuck, Moltke? Do you even war? von Moltke: The General Staff carries out its mission as directed by… Kaiser: What if we had to go to invade Brazil? What if we had to attack China? What if we had to fight the Turks? Or the Japanese? Bethmann-Hollweg: Or the Americans! [everyone turns and looks at Bethmann] von Kluck: Yeah, right! von Moltke: The Americans! von Falkenhayn: Talk about a “contemptible little army”! von Kluck: That’s like “What if we have to fight Monaco?” von Moltke: Do they even have an army? Kaiser: Thanks, Bethy, we’ll take it from here. Go back to the Chancellery and find out if the Austrians have shot their own dick off yet. Leave the schnapps. Bethmann-Hollweg: But…