Unnamed Journal 7 - Page 5

5 Things to Stop Pretending We Dislike A Puritanical Screed by Thomas Fitz 1.The Word “Moist”. 3. Candy Corn. The Western World needs to get over itself regarding this perfectly functional word. There are things that are dry, and things that are wet, and things that are notreally-either. The word for them is “moist”. It refers to a certain level of “moisture”. It’s a rich word with a grand history, and you all need to stop acting like someone just sprayed the room with vaporized racial slurs when it is uttered. Being skeeved out by “moist” is the linguistic equivalent of allergies and other autoimmune disorders: you don’t have anything really gross or repellent in your life, so your psyche has to make something up. The world is moist. Deal with it. Let me put this in today’s uber-trendy terms: I am so over everyone’s candy privilege. I know the fat kids of today can’t relate, because they’ve been stuffing their face holes with processed sugar since they’ve been old enough to lift the stuff, but it used to be that you only got to gorge on sweets maybe three days of the year: Your birthday, Christmas, and glorious Halloween. I used to spend hours cleaning up the neighborhood with a pillow case full of sweet stuff, because if I rationed it out, I could have a piece of candy every day for months. One year I made that stash last until March. So nothing that anyone chose to give out was beneath me. No, not even little packets of raisins; raisins are yummy as long as they’re not hiding in oatmeal cookies tricking me into thinking they’re chocolate chips. Only the Jehovah’s Witness house giving out tiny pamphlets about how Satan Has Many Tricks But Jesus Has Many Treats was irksome. So eat your $&%^ing candy corn and be grateful it’s there. Maybe don’t eat a whole bagful of it and it won’t make you sick. You know, like every other candy. 2. Clowns. Can we admit that clowns are not scary in and of themselves? Are we so hypnotized by the entertainment industry that we do not recognize that a thing is scary only when its outside of its proper context? Imagine yourself driving down a dark road late at night. Suddenly, your headlights illuminate something standing, still as a tomb, on the side of the road. Notice how almost anything you see here will be creepy. A clown, a tax attorney, a young girl holding a puppy, it doesn’t matter. Nothing belongs on the side of a dark road late at night, therefore whatever it is represents the dread unknown. And before your bring up John Wayne Gacy, realize that every serial killer known to man had some kind of day job ^HH[ˈH[\[[YX\]H[\\[[x&\Y\܈Q ܙY\KY]H۸&]Y][XZH[\]\H[YHY[ۙHY[[ۜHQX\]B^Kۜ\H\Y\[[][[KBY\\\ [][X[H^x&[H\HH\Hقܜ܈\[\\\˂ \˂X]\H\ۚX[X]\[\]X\[Z[[\X][ۈ\H]ܚX[X]HXY[ۙH[[ۜ]\]H\۸&][\[XݙHHؘ\[X\\[Hx&\[H\ق[^XH] Y][Y][^YYY][Y][ˈ\HHۙHY]K]]\[\H[\]X\H[[\Y][[HZB]\۸&] \XˈY[H[\[ݚY\˂]ۙH[\ۙˈH۸&]\K[Z]\\[[ۙH[KR