Hi, my name is Amy Wardle. I’m 15, live in London, like art and have a mental illness.
I was first diagnosed when I was 14 with social anxiety, anxiety and depression. Mental Illness is something that I have been living with since I was ten and made my first suicide attempt. I have been cutting since then throwing up and went through a period of not eating.
In 2013 I found the pain unbearable, I was cutting every day (sometimes several times) and thoughts of suicide plagued my every breath. I went to my GP who referred me to Wandsworth CAMHS. Who made things worse. After a number of suicide attempts my Mum and I decided to go private but we’re not in the best financial situation so we could only see them a few times. The doctor prescribed me medication. Luckily my Mu and I moved to a new borough so we tried one of the Camden CAMHSs. And things did get better, for a time; I started at a specialist school and got on pretty well with my therapist, Alex, even my self-harming reduced and I started eating again.
However from around January 2014 I went into a dark hole of suicidal thoughts and attempts, Alex was saving my life on a weekly basis, prolonging my life till our next season. Even though I don’t live for him anymore I still owe him my life and am eternally grateful to him fore that. After a self-harming one Friday I ended up in A&E and got admitted to a psychiatric hospital. It’s true, you know, when people it gets worse before it gets better.
The worst part yet came when I tried to hug Alex and he shoved me off him. The next time I saw him I got very upset and my consultant sectioned me. That truly was rock bottom for me. I tried appealing but lost my case and I found the tribunal mentally scaring; everyone was against me, Alex, my doctor, my CAMHS doctor, my case manager… everyone I trusted. I became afraid of my consultant and started to dislike almost everyone involved in my care. That was the moment I decided that I would never let myself get into that situation ever again and I WAS going to get out of hospital.
I stopped self-harming being suicidal, having panic attacks, anything that they could section my over. I’m not saying people consciously choose to do these things, don’t get me wrong, but I subconsciously wouldn’t let myself do it. I got off my section and stayed at the hospital willingly until the start of school in September when, over many arguments and disagreements, I started to go to school full time. I go into the hospital for appointments a couple of times a week, things with the hospital are bettER but not better if you know what I mean.
I’ve only self-harmed or thought about suicide once since I stopped letting myself be sick. I still get anxious but I can handle it better now. I feel happy sometimes again and, yes, I still get depressed but experiencing happiness sometimes helps me know that the depression will pass.
I got better, so can you. Stay strong xoxo
Connect with Amy on facebook:
www.facebook.com/mentalillnessisnotinsanity