By : Ardena Love
Inever expected this clever twist on my life . Twenty one , sitting at home , watching Sesame Street on a Friday night . Who knew this would be my type of party ? I used to dream of finally reaching twenty one and being able to go to the clubs , casinos , parties . Being able to drink , legally ! Growing up in Vegas , it all seemed so glamorous . Looking back on it now , there ’ s no place I ’ d rather be .
I was eighteen when I got pregnant and frankly , I was just happy I made it through graduation before two pretty pink lines appeared on the magic pee stick . The women in my family have generally had babies young , so we ’ ve always had high hopes , but low expectations for me . I didn ’ t know what I was going to do . I thought my life was over . Little did I know , this baby would mold me into the purest form of myself that had ever existed .
While my baby was still in the newborn status , I could ’ ve been classified as a mental patient . I was terrified of every little thing that could possibly harm her , but more so of everything I would do wrong . I had a book that broke down each month of your baby ’ s life and I followed it as closely as possible . I studied that book like it was the Bible ! I was trying so hard to be the perfect mother . It was exhausting ! I put so much stress on myself trying to make everything exactly right and if I got something wrong , I beat myself up to the core about it ! I ’ d feel like a failure . I cried to my little girl and begged her to forgive me for being such a “ horrible ” mother . Those brown eyes and chubby cheeks were all I needed to remind me I couldn ’ t give up .
Looking back , I kicked ass getting this girl to where she is now ! For the first six months I did it completely on my own ! After that I went back to work full time . It absolutely killed me ! I didn ’ t want to be away from my mini me for a moment . Although , I don ’ t know exactly what she was doing while she was home alone with her daddy , when I ’ d get home she was all mine ! Being a little psycho with my daughter turned out for the better . My daughter likes vegetables ! She ’ s slowly but surely getting more into TV , but not mind numbingly so like some other children I ’ ve seen . My girl loves to read ! Overall she ’ s a sweet , independent , fun loving girl and I say that ’ s score one for psycho mom !
I ’ m finally to the point where I can ease up a bit . Which really just means I freak out about different stuff now . Instead of worrying about whether or not she ’ s watching too much TV , I embrace Elmo for all his teaching methods and wonderfully pleasing songs . Instead of worrying so much about what food she ’ s eating , I worry about whether it was really food she just put in her mouth . I know she ’ s getting this big girl thing down , so it ’ s less stressful , but I ’ m always aware of what she ’ s doing and how she ’ s doing it because I know I have to be ready to spring into action , just in case !
My daughter is pushing two and I ’ ve come to realize , if not forced to realize , I ’ ve had a toddler on my hands for some time now . I ’ m having mixed feelings as to whether that ’ s a good thing or a not so good thing . Believe me , this girl can push me beyond limits I never knew I had ! At the end of the day though , it ’ s moments like these , as I watch her sleep , I know she is the greatest thing I have ever been blessed with ! I find myself asking , what did I do that deemed me so deserving of such an absolutely amazing child ? My Lord must see true excellence in me to find me fit to raise this beautiful person , because I know there is greatness in store for her .
06 | Written Conversations The Urban Release