A Different Look at
Rue McClanahan
“You cant operate out of love if
you are governed by fear.”
Continued from Page 30
you’re still a baby.
Freya: Especially in this day and age, in the music
business…it’s so odd. When I was doing a lot of
performing and recording in the 1980’s, it was
about the music. Today it is about packaging. It
is all commercialism. You could take a 12 yearold kid; sitting behind a desk in a school and dress
them up and package them, and have a hit record.
It’s crazy.
Freya: Rue, what elements, based on your own
experience, are required to make a good marriage?
How does one have a good and strong marriage
today?
Rue: I know it. You can do the same thing with
an actor.
Freya: Yes, it is sad.
Rue: You know it is all about looks and personality. But that doesn’t last long. When you build a
career on that, you soon realize it doesn’t last long
and is a flash in a pan. You cannot build a career
on looks. Looks fade.
Freya: What do you think about these kids like
Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton?
This trashy persona is publicized to such a degree,
that our children wind up idolizing these negative
role models. It is really pervasive – even in grade
school. Our children relate to what they call the
“gansta” look. They actually aspire to become
gangsters. What do you say to that?
Rue: I think you have to teach them what gangsters are. Like the Sopranos, for instance. I just
finally stopped watching that show, and I really
don’t like the Godfather movies. I don’t believe
in romanticizing the lack of responsibility and the
selfishness of people that these organizations were
built on. They are truly selfish and I think they
are the closest things to the devil. I think what
the devil really is, is total selfishness. If you ever
saw the movie The Witches of Eastwick, it shows
that th e devil’s entire goal was to satisfy himself.
No matter now much he hurt ANYONE else. I
came out of that film transformed in my idea of
what the devil meant and how this idea of Satan
came to be. Satan is cruelty, hatred, and selfishness. And you have to be crazy to think only of
yourself, it’s so twisted. We develop the idea of
giving, sharing and doing good very slowly through
the years. As we grow and mature, by the time we
become adults, we are supposed to have learned
not to be selfish like a baby is. It is a babyish
thing and that is a form of insanity. It’s insane.
Freya: It is interesting you mentioned a baby. I
wrote an article for this upcoming issue called
“Prolific Innocence.” When a person is born we,
as babies, have this innocence. If we could develop this innocence as we mature, we would find
that innocence is power. We still have the ability
as adults, to look at people through the eyes of a
baby. I think we’ve been programmed through so
much negative media, to see innocence as weakness. It is horrible.
Rue: In other words, you might call it…in a baby,
ignorance. Because when you are ignorant of
something that means you don’t know. It means
you are “ignorant” of it. So, of course, they are
INNOCENT of the basic truth of life because
they haven’t learned anything yet. So, they are
ignorant of it and innocent. But, when you grow
up and you’re 21 and you are still ignorant of it;
48 Woman
The County
Magazine
Rue: Well, I am experiencing a good marriage
for the first time. We are going to have our 10th
anniversary this Christmas Day. I believe it is
thinking about the other person first and trying to
understand the difference between irrational behavior and what the problem is. Usually, the two
strongest feelings in life that govern our actions
are fear and love. You can’t operate out of love
if you are governed by fear. Most of us grow up,
although I was very fortunate in my upbringing,
so called “dysfunctional” because we didn’t get the
love we needed at an early age. If you don’t get
the love you need at an early age, you don’t get the
security that you need and you don’t become able
to function without fear. Most of us are so fearful.
There are so many things we are trying to protect.
When you are protecting and being fearful, you are
incapable of being loving. Love is a very big order.
Loving…is even a bigger order. It takes a lot of
patience and a lot of stopping and saying, “Now
wait a minute,” before you fly off the handle.
What is going on here? Now if you are with a
fairly well balanced person who is also trying to
learn these things, then I think you have a chance
to make a marriage or a relationship of any kind
work. You have to look into your own fear and
find out what it is that’s driving you. In my book,
I talk a lot about being stampeded into marriages
by my fear...whatever my fear was at that time. I
had a very serious, neurotic need for a man in my
life that was focused on me like a father or a parent. Someone I could really depend on; someone
to take care of me emotionally. You can’t go into
a relationship with that fear and expect it to turn
out well. That is not the reason to go into a relationship. You really have to be secure in yourself
to make a relationship work. You have to be able
to think of the other person. If you are not secure
in yourself, you are only thinking of yourself. You
have to consider yourself; I don’t mean you should
be a doormat. But, you have to respect yourself
and rely on yourself and know that if the sun goes
down and there is nobody in the house but you,
you are still okay. I used to get very insecure. I
had to have A man, even if he was a cruel person
and he was not treating me well. He was there; he
was mine. But, he wasn’t mine! I wasn’t happy.
And, when I learned to live alone and be secure in
myself, then I was ready to take on a mate.
Freya: How long were you alone before you met
and married Morrow?
Rue: I got divorced in 1985 and I met him in
1997. I had a while to grow up. I was in my 50’s
but hadn’t quite grown up.
Freya: I understand. This is the first time in my
entire life that I have ever been alone. And it is
very odd. I would say that my first reaction to being alone was terror. Terror…absolute terror.
Rue: Terror is just one step up from fear.
Freya: Oh, yes, forget fear, mine was terror.
Rue: Then you go from terror into panic. One of
the worst experiences in life is panic. I’d rather
have any kind of physical pain before I’d take panic. Panic is the most painful thing that I have ever
experienced. I don’t know that you can get over
it by yourself. I did need therapy to delve into
what had created this feeling that I had to have
someone here or I am going to be…I don’t know
what. Panic doesn’t seem to have a rational face.
For me, it is a completely pervasive, overwhelming
physical pain in my chest. That feeling of panic…
right in the center of my chest and heart, I would
think the boogey man was going to get me. Whoa,
was it scary!
Freya: That type of panic has no discernment. It
is not intellectual and in my experience, I would
find that it would just come out of nowhere.
Rue: And, if someone were to come up to you at
that point and say, “Will you marry me?” You are
very likely to say yes.
Freya: Then the panic will go away.
Rue: Then the panic will go away. You might be
miserable.
Freya: It is odd. It is very, very odd.
Rue: It is so common. It is not unusual. I
thought I was the only one who ever experienced
that, but no, no. And you are then prey for people
who are going to take advantage of you. See, their
panic may be based on something else.
Freya: Yes, I was just thinking as you said that,
we probably manifest the same type of mentality
in another person. The same type of consciousness …so you wind up with two terrified panicked
people in a relationship.
Rue: They are going to be really great mates
aren’t they?
Freya: Oh, how happy they will be! And then
why don’t we have a few children along the way?
Rue: And, give them the same problems.
Freya: Then pass down the generational curse, as
I call it.
Rue: I am so glad to say that my son has not
experienced this particular panic. I am sure he
has his own particular problems, but he doesn’t
experience this particular panic; thank God, that
I had most of my life. He lives alone and is very
comfortable. He wants to get married. But, I am
so glad that he hasn’t had time also. By the time I
was his age, I had three or four husbands by then,
and he has been through all of them with me.
Mark is in his 40’s, but he looks younger. People
think he looks in his 30’s. I was always thinking
that I looked older than my years; because I was
told I was a mature person early on. Now people
are telling me I look younger which I am happy
about.
Freya: Well, you look like a baby. I loved it when I
saw that picture of you in the Austin Statesman. I
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