TRACES SPRING 2016 - Page 49

Pain and Regret

By Anna Stowers

Sam who sits at the back of the class trying to be invisible, Sam with chocolate hair and eyes that used to sparkle, Sam who when a professor asks if something is wrong always replies with a lie, Sam who casts away those around him to enter his own world where everything is right. It’s alright Sammy, I’m here. There’s a crater in his soul where hope should be, there’s a gap in his mind where he should care, there are cuts on his arms where happiness should be, and there’s a sadness in his eyes that no one should have but Sam does. Keep fighting Sam. Keep fighting for me.

Sam inside that old flannel shirt that smells like peppermints, those ripped jeans that are past their expiration date, with those eyes that have lost hope in returning to normal. Sam cries because no one sees, cries until his eyes are red and his chest hurts. Sam walks quietly into and out of the house to the old treehouse he and his brother built when they were kids to get away from life for awhile. Sam lays on the cold wooden floor and shuts his eyes slowly and remembers. Close your eyes Sammy, it’ll be okay. Sam is silent as tears run down his face.

Sometimes broken things can’t be fixed. Sam who is so done with living and wants it to be over but can’t bring himself to do it, Sam who wakes up every morning wishing it had been him and not Dean. Sam with so many questions that will go unanswered, so many words that will go unsaid, and so many thoughts he will never share. Don’t worry Sam, I’ve got this. Sam wanting the pain to end and the regret to go away, but it won’t. Goodbye Sammy.