Thunder Roads Magazine MO/So. IL 2018-May - Page 34

Bubba walked into his local watering hole with a purple and black shiner and Earl, his best friend asked, “what have you got into now?” and Bubba replied, “all I know is I was in an elevator. This woman steps in with triple D’s and I couldn’t help from staring at them of course, and then she said, “Would you please press one?” and so I did”. “I don’t remember much after that.” -------------------------------------------------------------- The bad news is I accidentally took the wrong medication today. The good news is I’m now protected from heartworms and fleas for the next three months. -------------------------------------------------------------- Walter took his wife Ethel to the State Fair every year, and every time he would say to her, “Ethel, you know that I’d love to go for a ride in that heli- copter.” But Ethel would always reply, “I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.” Finally, they went to the Fair, and Walter said to Ethel, “Ethel, you know I’m 87 years old now. If I don’t ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance.” Once again Ethel replied, “Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dol- lars is 50 dollars.” This time the helicopter pilot overheard the cou- ple’s conversation and said, “Listen folks, I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won’t charge you! But if you say just one word, it’s 50 dollars.” Walter and Ethel agreed and up they went in the helicopter. The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by ei- ther Walter or Ethel. The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still there wasn’t so much as one word said. When they finally landed, the pilot yelled back to Walter and said, “Wow! I’ve got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn’t. I’m really impressed!” Walter replied, “Well to be hon- est I almost said something when Ethel fell out, but you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!” -------------------------------------------------------------- Earl and Bubba are sitting in their same favorite watering hole and Bubba asks “If you’re going to make a parachute jump how high you reckon you should be?” Earl lazily replies, “I’d say about 3 days of steady drinking should bout’ do it”. A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2015 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?” Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?” The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satel- lite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image pro- cessing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® data- base through an ODBC connected Excel® spread- sheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.” “That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the ani- mals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?” The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?” “You’re a United States Congressman”, says Bud. “Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?” “No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know jack-chit about how working people make a living or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dang dog, ya’ fool.” Thunder Roads Magazine 32 Thunder Roads Magazine 33