Thunder Roads Magazine MO/So. IL 2018-June - Page 34

A police officer radioed the station house saying, “I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” Said he’s been doing this for 54 years and she just snapped. Chief says, “Well, have you arrested the woman?”. Officer comes back quick, “Not yet! The floor’s still wet.” -------------------------------------------------------------- Bubba is asking Earl’s advice. “Ya’ know we all stayed out really late at the new topless bar and when I got home there on the handle of the micro- wave was balanced two apples with a banana in the middle sticking out and my best skinning knife stuck in the banana. What in the hell do you think is up with that?” Earl thinks a bit, tilts his head at Bubba and says, “Do you think she’s wanting you to eat more fruit?”. -------------------------------------------------------------- Two guys, both around 60 years old, pulled in the same slot at Sonic as all the spots were full. The one old guy, Bert, is on a scooter and places his order and nods to Jax, who’s on his beloved Night Train, to then place his order. They’re both eating their grub and talking bikes when Bert pumps up his chest and says, “I get 80 miles per gallon, what you get?” Jax is chewing away and looks Bert right in the eyes; “I get laid.” -------------------------------------------------------------- Have you ever just stood there listening to some- one and you literally have to fight the urge to just start singing as loud as you can that great ole classic from The Wizard of Oz......If You Only Had A Brain? js -------------------------------------------------------------- So “Boozer” gets home at 5am after being out partying all night and first thing he does is reach for his bottle of Jack Daniels in the freezer to make him a nightcap. As the freezer door is shutting he sees a note from his fiance on the door that reads: “This isn’t working. Goodbye.” Boozer opens it up again and thinks to himself, “what is wrong with that woman, the door works just fine.” js -------------------------------------------------------------- Guys, when a woman is really super mad, just tell her she’s overreacting and she’ll look at you, real- ize your absolutely right and calm the puck down immediately. me from the hospital. We need to discuss your lack of basic intuition but also I have a 1972 shovel w/ only 50 miles on it for sale. js A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration. “What troubles you, Sister?” asked Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.” “It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to the Church.” “I seem to recall that,” Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relax- ing?” “Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I used profane language today.” “Goodness, Sister!” gasped Mother Superior. “You must tell me all about it!” “Well, we were on the 5th tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!” “Oh my ( 6֗6W&FVBFW"7WW&"( ĆpVf'GVFR'WB7W&VǒFBFF( BRR&2ЧVR67FW"( Ю( FBv6( BB( F֗GFVBFR67FW"( vRv27FG'rFfFvBBVVBF07V'&V'V2WBbFRvG2w&'2ג&@'V2fbFvFRf'v( Ю( FBvVBfRFRR&7VR( 7ЧFVBFW"7WW&"( 'WBFF( BFW"( 6&&VBFR67FW"( Bv26&VBbח6VbBvRv2FW"ЦrvWFW"F2v26vg&&fRF2v7v2WBbFR6Bw&'2FR7V'&V@fƖW2fbvFג&7F6WF6VB2w2( Ю( 6FN( 2vVR7W'6VB( 6BFW"7WW& vFֶvr6֖R( RFBv6( BBVFW"( 7&VBFR67FW"ЦwV6VB( &V6W6R2FRv7F'FVBFfǒWB`6vBFR7V'&V7F'FVB7G'VvvƖrBFRvG&VB&vBFW&RFRw&VVBFP&VBWBb2w2B&VBF&WB6W2g&FR7W( ФFW"7WW&"6B&6W"6"fFVBW &27&72W"6W7BfVBFR67FW"vF&VgV7F&RBFVGVN( b( ŖR֗76VBFRb5pWGBFF( BS( ТФ&GFW"W6&B62F2vfS( W"w&fRЧ7FR( WBFRv&G36B2WfW"( ХFRvfR&WƖW2( fR'RW'>( ( W7@6ǒWC7FfbB7B( ХFVFW"&G2vR3 FVFW"&G2vR3