Thunder Roads Magazine MO/So. IL 2017-September - Page 44

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. ‘Have you ever done anything of particular merit?’ St. Peter asked. ‘Well, I can think of one thing,’ the man offered. ‘On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a group of bikers who were lewdly jok- ing with a young woman, but I couldn’t tell if she flirtingly liked it or was in peril. I was confused. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his eyebrow piercing, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I’ll kick the living crap out of all of you!’ St. Peter was impressed, ‘When did this happen?’ The man stuck out his chest in pride; ‘Couple of minutes ago.’ -------------------------------------------------------------- The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and....OH... MY….GOD!” Silence followed. Some moments later, the Captain came back on the intercom. “Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a Flight Attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled....... For the luva Jaysus, should see the back of mine, then. -------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde and a lawyer were seating next to each other on a flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely says no and turns to the window for a nap. The lawyer insists and explains that the game is easy and very fun. He explains, “I’m going to ask you a question, and if you do not know the answer, you’ll pay me $5, and vice versa.” Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you do not know the answer, you pay me $5. and if I do not know the answer, I pay you $500.” This catches the attention of the blonde and, imagining that there will be no end to this torment unless she makes part of his game, she agrees to play. So, she reluctantly, but with full confidence agrees to his game and his rules. (continued) The lawyer asks the first question, “How far is the Earth from the Moon?” The blonde did not say a word, opened her purse, took out a $5 bill and handed it to him. “Okay,” said the lawyer, “it’s your turn to ask.” She asks the lawyer: “What goes up a mountain with three l egs and comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, perplexed, picks up his laptop and searches all his references — no answer. He search- es the net and the library of Congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends emails to all his friends and co-workers but, also, no answer. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and reluctantly hands her $500. “Thank you,” the blonde says, and goes back to sleep some more. The lawyer, annoyed, wakes her up and asks, “Well, what is the answer?” Without a word, she takes her purse, hands him $5. and goes back to sleep. Well played, blondie! --------------------------------------------------------------- Ole’ “Scrappy” is sitting at the bar, totally trashed, and yet again feeling sorry for himself he yells out, “you know if I had a dollar for every woman who finds me gross and unattractive, I would eventually have enough money that you’d all be cat-fighting over me”. --------------------------------------------------------------- A recent study has proved that women who carry a little extra weight on them live longer then men who mention it. An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company So, off to the pet shop she went.. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, ex- cept this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her. He whispered, I’m so lonely, too. Buy me and take me home... you won’t ever be sorry.’ The older lady figured, what the heck! She hadn’t found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her Kiss me and you won’t be sorry!.” So, the older lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog. Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gor- geous, sexy, young, handsome Prince Charming. The Prince then returned the older lady’s kiss. Suddenly the older lady felt herself transforming from his kiss. Now can you guess what the older lady turned into? She turned into the first motel she could find! She’s older....not fookin’ dead!