Thunder Roads LA/MS Gulf Coast JAN2019 - Page 35

A Nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after Hazel owned a local Sports Pub and bitched and complained every morning when she’d have to clean an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer the men’s urinals as there was piss all over the floor directly in front of them, rather than them actually out of her purse and tries to write with it. hitting the mark and making it in the urinal. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the She knew there was something going on rather stunned bank teller and without missing a beat then just drunken pissing. So, she posted huge says, “Well, that’s just great, this means some signs on every wall directly in front of all urinals: a-hole’s got my pen.’ PLAYERS WITH SHORT BATS PLEASE STAND -------------------------------------------------------------- CLOSER TO THE PLATE. 3 Things That Always Tell The Truth: It worked like a charm. Small Children (too naive to realize it) --------------------------------------------------------------- An ole guy biker goes to his doctor for his New Year Drunk People (w/o even realizing it) physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precau- Yoga Pants (in denial about realizing it) -------------------------------------------------------------- tion. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the says, “I’m going to check your prostate today, but street when a little girl stopped beside him on her this new procedure is a little different from what shiny new bike. “Nice bike”, the cop said. Did Santa you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your bring it to you? “Yep, the little girl said. He sure right side, bend your knees, then while I check your did!” The cop looked the bike over and handed the prostate, take a deep breath and say, ‘99’. girl a $20.00 ticket for a safety violation, saying, The ole guy biker obeys and says,”99”. “Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector on the back The doctor says, “Great”. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a of it”. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, deep breath and say, ‘99”. “Nice horse you got there, sir, did Santa bring it to Again, the ole guy biker says, ‘99’.” you?” “Yes , he sure did”, chuckled the cop. The The doctor said, ‘Very good. Now then, I want you little girl looked up at the cop and said, “Next year, to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not I’m going to check your prostate with this hand, and on top”. with the other hand I’m going to hold on to your -------------------------------------------------------------- penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater breath and say, ‘99’. airplane with just the Pilot on an adventurous first The ole guy biker begins, “One ...Two... Three…” date. -------------------------------------------------------------- A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for The Pilot slumps over the wheel after clutching his Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. heart. She frantically calls out on the radio: “Help He notices immediately that the guy next to him has me! Help me! My Pilot had a heart attack and is a black eye, too. dead and I don’t know how to fly. Help me! Please He says to him, “Hey, this is a coincidence, we both help me!” have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?” All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio The other guy says, “Well, it just happened, it was a saying: “This is the tower. I have received your tongue twister accident. message and I will talk you through it. I’ve had a See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous lot of experience with this type of scenario. Just blonde with the most massive breasts I’d ever seen relax. Everything will be fine. Now, give me your was there. So, instead of saying, ‘I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh,’ I accidentally said, ‘I’d like two pick- height and position.” ets to Tittsburgh’….so she socked me a good one.” She says, “I’m 5’4” and I’m in the very front seat, The first guy replied, “Wow! This is unbelievable. right hand side.” Mine was a tongue-twister too. I was at the break- “O.K.” says the voice from the tower, “Repeat after fast table and I wanted to say to my wife, “Please me: Our Father Who art in Heaven. . .” pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.’ -------------------------------------------------------------- But I accidentally said, ‘You have ruined my life you My ex-wife just texted me, “Wish you were here.” evil, self-centered, life sucking witch.’ She does this every time she walks through or past ‘Crazy how that stuff just happens, huh’? a cemetery. | January 2019 | Thunder Roads Magazine LA/MS Gulf Coast 33