Thunder Roads LA/MS Gulf Coast FEB 2019 - Page 34

Southern Cops Have A Way With Words…. These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:(read w/ a slow, southern drawl) 1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.” 2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.” 3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.” 4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.” 5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.” 6. “You had no idea how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?” 7. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warn- ing you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.” 8. “The answer to this question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?” 9. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you pay to go on scary rides, eat cot- ton candy & corn dogs and step in monkey poop.” 10. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?” 11. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write a”s many tickets as we can.” 12. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours so you actually know someone who can post your bail.” And The Winner Is…. 13. “You thought we didn’t give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.” -------------------------------------------------------------- I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning. Long story short, I’m not allowed to have Sharpies in the house anymore. -------------------------------------------------------------- Way back in the woods, a redneck’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the local Mid- wife was called out to perform delivery. Since there was no electricity, the Midwife handed the soon to be father a lantern and she said “Here, hold this high so I can see what I’m trying to do”. Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. (cont’d.) 32 Thunder Roads® Magazine LA/MS Gulf Coast | February 2019 | “Whoa, hold up there Daddy, don’t be in such a dang rush to put that lantern down.....I think I see another one ready to come out.” Sure enough, within minutes the father a new baby girl. The Mid- wife shouted out, “Oh lawdy, do not put that lantern down.....seems there’s yet another one in there!” The daddy scratched his head, obviously bewil- dered, and asked the Midwife, “Wow Doc, do you think it might be the light that’s attractin’ em?” --------------------------------------------------------------- His actual legal name was Bubba and he was from Tennessee. He needed a loan so he walked into a bank in New York City. He told the Loan Officer he was going to Paris for an annual “Good Ole’ Boy Festival” for 2 weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. but that he was not a customer of the bank. The Loan Officer told him that the bank would require security for the loan so Bubba handed over the keys to a new Ferrari 488 Spider, fully loaded, parked out front of the bank. Bubba also handed over a folder with the cars registration and clear title. The loan officer was very apologetic about having to charge 12% interest since he wasn’t an actual account holder. Bubba nodded and the loan officer crisply stated “the bank must do what we must do”. After Bubba left the loan officer was bragging to all the rest of the bank’s staff and the bank President about the transaction and they were all laughing like crazy how an authentic ‘Bubba from the South’ had put up a beast of a machine with a base price of over $300k for a mere $5k loan. The bank Presi- dent authorized the Ferrari to be taken to the bank’s private underground garage facility. Two weeks later Bubba walks up to the loan offi- cer’s desk, throws down 5 crisp thousand dollar bills and the $23.07 in interest. The loan officer looked up and stated “Sir, we Googled you and discovered you’re actually a multi-millionaire with business interests all over the world. What puzzled all of us is why you would even bother to borrow a mere five thousand dollars?”. Bubba looked him square in the eye and replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my Ferrari for only $23.07 and know for sure it will be there when I return?”. The loan officer just stood there was his mouth hanging open and Bubba threw a comment over his shoulder as he was leav- ing, “A good ole’ boy gotta’ do what he gotta do”. Note * Just becuase they talk really slow and with a certain twang, does not by any means indicate they are stupid. --------------------------------------------------------------- I asked the sales clerk where the “Self-Help” section was at my local book store and she said if she told me it would defeat my entire purpose. | February 2019 | Thunder Roads® Magazine LA/MS Gulf Coast 33