Thunder Roads LA Magazine June 2017 JUNE | Page 34

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, “Would you like to buy some peaches, ma’am?” She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, “Are they as firm as this?” He nodded his head and said, “Yes ma’am,” and a little tear ran from his eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, “Are they nice and pink like this?” The farmer said, “Yes,” and another tear came from the other eye. Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, “Are they as fuzzy as this?” He again said, “Yes,” and broke down crying. She asked, “Oh, dear, why on earth are you crying?” Drying his eyes he replied, “The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn……. And now I do believe I’m gonna’ get screwed out of my peaches.” An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communi- cation with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees. An old pal of the Pilot’s, whom was a passenger, was riding shotgun since the Co-Pilot called in ill . He contacted the Tower and yelled,; “Mayday, may- day!! The Pilot of this aircraft had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone and as I hoped, he had the Tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travel- ing at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!” The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. “Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm. He be- gan his series of questions: Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??” Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me.” Tower: “Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?” Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me.” Tower: “Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you’re flying upside down?” Aircraft: “The sh*t in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.” 32 Thunder Roads Magazine Louisiana | June 2017 | www.thunderroadslouisiana.com The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made sweet, passionate love to you.” Yes, she says, “I remember it fondly.” OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?” “Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but thrilling idea!” A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-tim- ers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know existed. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amaz- ing, I’ve got to ask them what’s their secret? So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to all this to give hope to my wife and I for our future together? Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, “Sixty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.” Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers-- what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow. Some people are like a Slinky--not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. HAPPY FATHER’S DAY to all you phenom Daddy’s that make the world a safer place for your children. It takes a real Man putting forth the effort & time to be a Father. www.thunderroadslouisiana.com | June 2017 | Thunder Roads Magazine Louisiana 33