THRICE Fiction Apr. 2014 - Page 14

The Pirates of Hell or Whatever H Zeke Jarvis ell is supposed to be this place where there’s justice and stuff. Where bad people suffer through bad things so that the universe gets evened out. You’d think that the worst people would have the worst stuff happen to them, but that’s not what happens at all. There’s no justice or whatever in Hell. And I know that sounds stupid, but, it’s just that Satan’s always totally favoring the pirates, which is lame. Plus, I think I’ve been turned into a teenaged girl. I know, you’re hearing me say “I think,” and you’re like: WTF?, but the thing is that there are no mirrors in Hell, and all the water is just boiling pitch or whatever, so I can’t even see myself, really, and everyone’s voice sounds the same in Hell because of all the brimstone. But I have these little, like, nubby boobs or something. I guess I kind of had boobs when I died, because I was this fat old guy, but, these are different, and I definitely have a vaj. I’ve checked it out, believe me. I always thought I’d look like I did when I died when I got here. Well, really, I guess I didn’t really think that I’d be here, or that there was anything, but here I am, I guess. But I was talking about the pirates. They can just run around and do whatever. Like this one pirate that broke into the cafeteria and dumped boiling fat all over my BFF, Louise (her name was Brandon in life, and s/he’s in Hell for stealing money from old people in the nursing home s/he worked for), and Satan didn’t do anything at all to him. That’s total bullshit. And I went to talk to Satan about it, because, like, if there’s no justice in Hell, then where is there? So, I go into his office, and I told Satan what happened, and he was just all, “Yeah, I’ll look into it”, but you totally know that he won’t do anything. I asked him why he doesn’t do anything to the pirates, but he just looked at me and told me that one of my mice was getting away, like that’s my fault or something. Oh, yeah, the mice. For embezzling, my punishment is to have all these mice eating my body for eternity. I guess the mice symbolize me or the people I cheated or whatever. I try not to think about it all that much. But that was still just a shitty thing for him to say when I was looking for answers. So I was walking out of Satan’s office, and of course I run into one of those stupid pirates, and he’s just looking at me th