52 By the way ...
Ponte Vedra Recorder · November 12, 2015
Are we having fun? Preparing food can be dangerous
The card sits on my kitchen counter and stares at me: “$10 OFF ANY
PURCHASE OF $30 OR MORE.” I can’t
wait until the expiration dates arrives
in two weeks so I can’t use it. The
offensive card is from HSN, the Home
Shopping Network. Sounds so friendly
and cozy doesn’t it? I had trained myself to stay away from Channel 4, and
have only a few times in two decades
succumbed to buying anything from it,
whose logo boasts with cheer, “It’s fun
here.”
Why I decided to go to that channel
a while back, I do not know. Shuffling
through the channels I came upon a
personable fellow selling a device that
promised to make light work of slicing
produce with the use of a mandolin—
not the musical instrument, the kitchen
tool. Oh what fun the chef was having! I wanted to have as much fun
as he was. You simply put a fruit or
vegetable on what
looked like a golf
ball with teeth,
hold the golf
ball in your right
hand—people
down here should
feel right at home
with this—and
quickly slide the
Mims Cushing
attached veggie
By the Way...
back and forth on
the slicer. Wow!
The fact that I don’t eat most of what
the man was slicing was of no matter
at the time. I could play with food. Irresistible. I ordered it.
The “creature” arrived within a
week as promised and I was eager to
get started, so I drove over to Winn
Dixie to pick up carrots, a tomato, a
couple of apples, and cabbage for cole
slaw, which I never eat. It was quite a
THEME: THANKSGIVING
device. The slicer arrived with a BandAid-like strip on the cutting edge. That
should have been my first warning that
something might befall me. And it did.
I sliced my right thumb along with a
tomato. I wish blood were white. It
would blend in with my white furniture and my dog, a mostly white
Bichon. I shall spare you the scene,
though my writerly self would enjoy
using colorful similes and metaphors.
Suffice it to say I needed a Band-Aid,
and quickly, but I didn’t want to rip off
the Band-Aid from the cutting edge of
the slicer/dicer. Why couldn’t I have
bought a handbag instead of a medieval-torture cooking tool?
I have developed a tic. When I
watch TV I can’t settle on a program
or show without making a quick look
at Channel 4. I do not want to watch
HSN. I don’t want to buy anything on
TV. I really don’t. I want pixies to rip
ACROSS
1. Internet posts
6. “Kilroy ____ here”
9. “Put a ____ in it!”
13. “Raspberry ____”
by Prince
14. Matterhorn, e.g.
15. Loosen laces
16. Social class or
position
17. “All the Light We
Cannot ____” by
Anthony Doerr
18. Like professor
Sherman Klump
19. *In 1941 Thanksgiving moved to this
Thursday
21. *Football hosts
23. Green pod
dweller
24. One who makes
use of something
25. Declare
28. Globes and balls
30. The Curies’
discovery
35. Guinness and
such
37. Takes to court
39. Santa Maria’s
companion
40. As far as
41. Archipelago
43. Relating to ear
44. Popular in cookoffs
46. Cut with an ax
47. Be dependent
48. Alleviating
50. Ginger-flavored
cookie
52. Hi-____
53. Oration station
55. Opposite of
friend
57. *Cause for
Thanksgiving celebration
61. *Main attraction
64. *The Pilgrims
crossed it
65. De Niro’s 1976
ride
67. Honorable mention
69. Compilation of
drawers
70. Store posting, for
short
71. Private
72. Actor ____
MacLachlan
73. “You betcha!”
74. Collection of
Buddhist scriptures
out HSN from my set.
When I returned the “mandolin”
to HSN, I wrote a note saying “This
machine is a death trap.” A bit of an
exaggeration. When I finally took the
last Band-Aid off, a few days later I
returned to my computer to write this
piece. But the pain from my finger
bothered me enough to rise from my
seat and hasten to my medicine cabinet
for yet another Band-Aid. The “owie”
saw fit to bleed a bit more because I
was banging on the keyboard and it
split. Wherefore art thou Medicare?
If HSN folks had been in my kitchen
when I was slicing up my thumb they
would not have said, “It’s fun here,” to
use their slogan. But the shoes they
sell, and handbags, well, that’s another
story. I may have another go round
with them.
(Tune in next week.)
SUDOKU
DOWN
1. British public service broadcaster
2. Organ of photosynthesis
3. Roughly
4. Bob Marley’s
“____ ____, Stand
Up”
5. Three-dimensional sound
6. Done in loads
7. Brewery order
8. Glasses, for short
9. Give the cold
shoulder
10. “The Simpsons”
palindrome
11. C in NYC
12. St. Peter’s symbol
15. Done on a
Christmas morning
20. Plural of tarsus
22. “____ the fields
we go”
24. No-good
25. *Cranberry
concoction
26. Top dog
27. Abominable
snowmen
29. “No Child Left
Behind” President
31. Famous French
couturier
32. Lay to rest
33. Opposite of #24
Down
34. *Parade host
36. Prima donna’s
numbers
38. Made by tailor
42. Mix-up
45. Start a new
paragraph
49. Solid, liquid,
____
51. “The Merchant of
Venice” heiress
54. Mosquito affect
56. Increasing
57. *A ____ lock ties
turkey drumsticks
58. Flu feeling
59. Rod attachment
60. Flower holder
61. *Cookbook abbr.
in gravy recipes
62. Europe’s highest
volcano
63. Big Bang’s original matter
66. “We ____ Family”
by Sister Sledge
68. ____ of Good
Feelings