Community News 49
Ponte Vedra Recorder · November 12, 2015
Help! I’m in love with a narcissist
Dear Neil: Please help me. I’m in
love with a narcissist. I left my job
because I was stressed, depressed,
anxious and suicidal. It’s hard to leave
him even though I know he’s bad for
me.
— Desperate in Malaysia
Dear Neil: I agree with most of
your recommendations, but all bets
are off if you are talking about a
narcissist. One example: Unless you
are catering to his needs and/or
making him look good, almost everything you do will disturb or offend
him. Another example: To disagree
with a narcissist is to reject him. To
fail to follow his “rules” is to reject
him. Also, if you’ve ever ignored
him, expressed hurt because of his
behavior at social gatherings, supported someone else’s point of view,
disagreed with him in public, tried to
set boundaries or failed to collapse
in a quivering mass after his latest
rage incident, you’ve hurt him.
Relationship agreements about
future behavior and consequences
mean nothing to someone with strong
narcissistic traits. Rules apply to everyone but the narcissist. I strongly
feel that relationships with narcissists
are doomed from the start. Narcissists don’t want to change, and it is
my understanding that therapy is not
likely to make a meaningful difference
long term.
—Experienced in Colorado
Dear Neil: I attract women who
are narcissists. I sometimes say I’ll
do anything for love, but a narcissist
never cares about me as much as I
care about her. So start looking after
your own needs,
because if you’re
with a narcissist,
she won’t.
—Unhappy in
Alberta
Dear Malaysia, Colorado
and Alberta:
The three emails
Neil Rosenthal
above do a pretty
good job of defining what a narcissist
is, but I could add some additional
descriptions. If you are with someone with strong narcissistic traits, she
tends to be selfish and self-centered-while lacking empathy for you. He
is a taker more than a giver. She can
easily become rageful, punishing,
belittling or abusive when she doesn’t
get her way, but has trouble accepting
someone else’s criticism or disagreement. He is manipulative and controlling, and has trouble being accountable for his behavior, so he exhibits a
poor conscience and tends to be very
defensive. Problems or mistakes are
typically someone else’s fault, not her
fault.
A narcissist consistently needs to
be willing to put your needs, wants
and desires equal to his/her own,
but you don’t have any control over
whether your partner does this. So
what can you do? Recognize that
there are real limits to how loving
a narcissistic partner is to you, and
quit catering to his/her feelings and
desires so much — and start focusing more on your own. If your partner won’t look out for your feelings,
it is imperative that you do.
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Why am I pushing my boyfriend away?
Dear Neil: I was married for 11
years, and never saw it coming when
my husband asked for a divorce.
I jumped into dating and started a
pattern that has been really hard
to break. Anytime a guy I’m dating
doesn’t text me as much as I need,
I start feeling anxious. I presume
they’re going to dump me, so I find
reason to end our relationship, or I
force the guy to end it.
I am now in a four month relationship where I can’t seem to control
my fears. Last night my boyfriend
was quiet, so I told him that I missed
him — and I said I don’t think he
ever misses me. He said that of course
he misses me, but since we had just
spent a long weekend out of town together, he was good for the moment.
I asked if he wou