dear daughter by Eric McIntyre
in response to ‘ Dear Dad ’ in the pilot issue
I had no idea that this would be the outcome . In my head , I was going to sell a lot of dope , convert my illegal money to legal money , build up a reputation as a man who people wanted to stay on the good side of , take you out whenever , wherever , and do whatever you wanted to do . I would buy anything you wanted and have all the time in the world to spend with you .
I had done it so many times before … miss a little now , to see a lot later . I stopped going to the clubs every week so I could invest more money in being up ( That ’ s buying drugs to sell ). And it worked . Now instead of hundreds of dollars , I had thousands . But dirty money usually only buys dirty things . So instead of your love , I sought love from women whose dads weren ' t there for them , and so they sought love from all the wrong people , places , and things .
I looked up and years had passed . You seemed to be doing well where you were , so I thought I had time . But I got addicted to drugs and selling them and doing them . I got addicted to women , money , and power . You were growing up , but I wasn ’ t . To no one ’ s fault but my own , I haven ' t seen you in over seven years . Why did I think that I could neglect you all those years to live my life , but expect you to come running when I called ? I was a horrible father , son , brother , boyfriend , friend , and person in general . You were not worth anything I got in return for not being there for you .
I ’ ve missed your first days of school , swim meets , concerts , watching you ride horses , teaching you how to drive , trips out of state , and was never there for any of your hospital visits . In the future I will miss prom , graduation , you passing your driving test , your first day of college , and many more milestones in your life . If they would ' ve said it was going to cost this … cost you … I would ' ve chose a different path . The messed up part is that I can ’ t even begin to fathom the damage I ’ ve already caused , let alone its lasting effects . What will you be able to overcome , what won ' t you ? Only God knows . I ’ ve damaged your view of men , possibly how you value yourself , and more . All because I wanted to kick it , chill with so called friends and sell drugs . Having a job and you in my life sounds so nice right now . Why didn ' t it back then ?! Have I already done irreparable damage to our relationships ? I pray not .
My decisions as an adolescent have adversely affected my manhood . I pray my absence in your life doesn ’ t prompt you to make a decision that will affect your womanhood . There is nothing wrong with you . It was all me being selfish . I didn ' t set out to hurt you , but I know I did … and greatly .
Most men in prison know more about the sports team they follow than their own children . While I don ' t follow sports , there is so much I don ' t know about you . I don ' t know what you like to be called ; your best friend ’ s name ; what type of music you listen to ; your favorite subject in school ; any of your teachers ’ names ; your favorite food ; what you want to be when you grow up ; who ’ s mom and who ’ s momma ; what you think about me ; or what made you become a vegetarian . I ’ m ashamed of myself for not knowing the answer to any of these questions . And I ’ m disgusted with myself over the fact that I may never know the answer to some of them . Again , all my fault .
I would like to earn the title of father in your life . If I promise to never put unimportant , immaterial , and temporary things before you , can we start over ? From what I ’ ve heard , you ’ re a wonderful young lady , and I ’ m missing out on the opportunity to know a great person . If so , hello , I ’ m Eric Lovale McIntyre , father-in-training . What have you been up to lately ?
Me , I ’ ve been in prison seven years . I became a Christian six years ago . That literally changed everything . It changed me , my life , and how I view everything . I ’ ve learned that whenever I ’ m tempted to sin , Jesus provides a way out of that temptation , and the power to take the right path . Not only has Jesus shown me all the wrong to eliminate from my life , but He ’ s shown me that some of the things that I thought were right , were actually wrong . I no longer look to satisfy my own interests only , but also the interests of others . It still shocks me , but at times I find myself putting the needs of others ahead of my own .
At some point , while driving down the highway of Life , I passed Jesus walking on the side of the road , as everyone does . The fact that I ’ d seen Him walking on the side of the road , gave me the right to say that I was a Christian , or so I thought . After all . I did believe in Him . I ’ d just passed Him on the side of the road . Later in my life , I saw Him on the side of the road , and stopped to let Him in the car with me . Surely this qualified me to say I was a Christian . Sadly though it wasn ' t . But most of the people who say they ’ re Christians , only have Christ in the car with them . When it ’ s convenient to listen to Christ give them directions about their life , they do . As long as it doesn ’ t clash with their plans . You ’ ve seen these people , saying they ’ re Christians , but use profanity on a regular basis . Or engaging in some other things that even non-Christians know a Christian shouldn ’ t be doing .
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