The Pen Project Volume 1 Issue 2 - Page 44

At this time of high school, I knew three other kids who committed suicide in one summer, and that influenced me to try as well. I tried taking three bottles of sleeping pills, but just woke up 14 hours later. I tried cutting, and also tried getting hit by a car, but nothing seemed to work, so I just used more and more to numb the pain. My parents eventually kicked me out of the house at 18, and my high school kicked me out as well because of how crazy I was acting. I felt absolutely worthless! No matter what I tried to do whether it was to get a job, or a girlfriend, or even a steady place to live, it all would fall apart quickly. Almost always, this was because of my own stupidity. I started to deal drugs a little, but I ended up using more then I was selling. So I started stealing to offset the costs. I was homeless most of the time those two years. The few times I wasn’t, I would steal from my friends that I was staying with. I remember God beginning to work on my hard heart when I was in jail for stealing from an elderly man who I was renting from. He sent me a letter that said he forgave me, and because of what Christ had done in his life, he loved me! This sounded absolutely ridiculous to me. How could this man, who I had stolen from, love me? I thought he was crazy, but I couldn’t stop crying enough to finish the letter the first time, or even the 11th time. What he said still makes me tear up. raising cain by Cain Kellerman This is the story of how God saved me from death to life. I grew up as an only child in an atheistic home in Minneapolis, MN. I started using heroin at the age of 10 until age 13. I saw a dealer using it. I was curious and asked him what it was. He told me to come over to him, and he injected me. I spent a lot of time in juvenile detention and jail as an adult from age 10 until age 20. I received two felonies as an adult, a lot of traffic violations, many probation violations, and countless misdemeanors. I was a very angry person and would lash out in anger at the drop of a hat. While buying drugs, I was introduced to a few Satanists, and they piqued my interest because of a mutual love of hate. I was part of this for a couple of years until my parents moved to a small town in Minnesota when I was 13, at which I did not find anybody else practicing Satanism to my liking or selling heroin. This started a dark fall into depression which included detoxing and being very suicidal. I tried other religions at that time, and was not impressed with any of them, except for Wicca which I started to dabble in. I stayed sober for a while, but crept back into using drugs, starting with pot then progressively harder stuff. I have never forgotten it. In fact I still have his letter. I was finding out that the love of Jesus transcends religion. Religion in and of itself will destroy you! I was always taught that I was an accident by school and friends, and that there was no such thing as a God. Especially, a God that could love something like me. Being from the Midwest, I saw so many people go to church, and then refute everything about the church by the way they lived. Many people invited me to church, and I always refused. The only times I went to church were for 17 funerals and one wedding. At the wedding, I smoked up and drank with the “pastor”. All I saw was hypocrisy, and I tried to get Christians high or drunk to prove my point that there was no God, and to my shame, there are a few people who do not walk with the Lord, at least partially due to me. I was in jail in 1995 and a man, also inside of jail, challenged me to read the Gospel of John. I had nothing better to do, so I decided to read it. It absolutely blew my mind! God was definitely breaking through to my hard heart, showing me that I could have a life that has meaning. This Jesus, who I never knew, loved me so much that He willingly was tortured, whipped, and brutalized for me. I accepted the love that God showed me by sending His one and only Son to die in my place and pay the debt of sin that all of us incur and repented, turned away from my sin in that jail cell. “God was definitely breaking through to my hard heart, showing me that I could have a life that has meaning.” 44