hardly anything, and when I did, I was so fast at getting rid of it that no one knew I was purging. In treatment, it took forever for my body to stop rejecting the food. And then I’d feel so happy and sad at the same time. Like I wanted to laugh and cry all at once.
I had forgotten what hunger was. I suddenly felt all of these things I had forgotten. Like someone had plugged up a piece of me that had been out for a very long time. Jana said treat every meal like it’s life or death.
I guess for me, it kinda is.
I lay my head back on the seat and stare up into the gray sky. A few months ago when I was in treatment, everyone clapped for me when I ate the first sandwich I had eaten in months. I felt like I’d just won a huge prize. Like maybe I actually could beat this thing I had fought with for so long. Tonight, I’ll be honest and tell Parker how I’d had a hard day but that I had still earned my sticker. He’ll squeeze my hand and tell me it’s gonna be okay.
My stomach growls. It bothers me how I can’t seem to get enough. How I always need something else. But it bothers me more how easy it is to forget, how easy it would be to go backwards. How easy it would be to put my fingers down my throat one more time.
When my Mom pulls up beside me in the driveway, we both get out of our cars and I hug her. I don’t tell her about Mrs. Mallory, I don't tell her I skipped meals