to check my elusive vital signs with my attention: “Is my heart
still beating? Am I still breathing? Why can’t I feel it? Am I
dead or alive? Maybe there was no me at all - no one to die! I
have never lived, breathed, or had a heartbeat!” Somehow, I
knew that if I moved even slightly, everything would be back to
normal, but I just kept sitting very still, as some part of me
was curious about this “near death experience.” I felt like Alice
falling into a rabbit hole. “What am I going to tell my mom if I
die?” That last thought was just too ridiculous to be taken
seriously. I imagined my postmortem, “Cause of death:
meditation.” I began to laugh, and just like that, the panic was
gone. Without it, I felt free to explore my experience.
There was something extremely pleasant in this weightless,
motionless aliveness. I didn’t know if I was in the same room
anymore. The space around me was emanating a gentle
twilight. It felt perfect for my eyes. Except that my eyes were
closed. The sound of tamboura also disappeared, but there was
some sound that I could not identify. Maybe it was a sound of
currents moving in the deep oceanic waters, or the sound of the
clouds pushing each other with their masses and crystallizing
into the myriads of tiny snowflakes. As from a great distance, I
heard the soft chirping of a bell, and the voice inviting me “to