FATHERHOOD
Indeed as I hadn’t sold the
house at the time, this was one
of the reasons why I placed
everything on hold until last
year.
Based on that experience I have
told very few friends and none
of my extended family.
Thankfully the reactions have
been mixed from the positive
(good for you, you can do it), to
as I said, the negative. So far out
of the ten individuals or couples
I have told, seven have been
supportive and three have been
virulently against. My parents
for their part swing from good
to bad, and my brother is very
supportive.
Understandably I’ve
studied the negative reactions in
some detail and I’ve come to
conclusion that it is a mixture of
worries and fear for the future,
tied into the respondents own
background issues, and worries
about my capabilities. It’s also a
reflection of the wider gay
community. So often we are on
the fringes of society and what
binds us together can be what
makes us different (and quite
often cutting edge), but not
what is considered ‘normal’.
One of my friends who reacted
negatively, was abused as a child
and you could understand his
worries about security for the
children I would bring into the
world. Another is older and
never had the opportunity to
have children and you can see
his thoughts lined with regret
and resentment. The third
person of concern is my own
mother.
My mother is the living
embodiment of a conventional
parent, and a 1950’s housewife.
She left a job as a manager at
International Computers in the
70s, married my father and life
for her became having children,
cooking, ironing and keeping
the house clean. I have to give
credit to my mother as she has a
hatred of the last three, but as
one of my friends said, entered
into and stuck to, an agreement
with my father, where they had
clearly defined roles. She has
raised two decent, productive,
contributing members of
society; despite the bumps along
the way (my homosexuality and
my brothers psychological crash
with drugs).
Her reaction has been the most
worrying. In part it’s down to
the baggage my mother brings.
When I was young, we
were due to have a sister, a child
my mother dearly wanted.
Unfortunately (now thanks to
the genetic testing I have
undertaken) we know that I and
(therefore most probably) my
mother carry a gene which
contributes to miscarriages. My
mother’s own miscarriage, is
never spoken about and
amazingly, the sheer pain after
all these years is still there. So,
one Saturday a mild
conversation about choosing
gender turned into a fraught
conversation based on my
mothers pain. (I’ve decided for
that reason not to choose the
gender.) On top of this my
mother goes from highs to lows:
“What names should we think
about,” to, “I’m too old to raise a
child,” and “How will you work
with the crying at night”. The
last is a decent point, but with
62 THEGAYUK | ISSUE 16 | NOV 2015
the help of hefty pay from my
job, I will be able to afford child
care and expect to have time off
following birth. I wish that my
mother, who is usually so
practical would offer calm,
collected, thoughtful advice.
Instead as with three of my
friends I quite often have
hysterics management. I now
avoid the friends, one of whom I
have stopped speaking to
entirely and the other two
rarely. The result for me is a
similar relationship
management to telling people I
have HIV. In some ways it has
accentuated what is important
to me: family and friends.
Next time I want to take a
helicopter view over the ‘legals’
and some of the ethical issues
that prospective gay parents
have, from: ‘who is mum’, to
which jurisdiction, F