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Living in a huge penthouse
apartment with 2 spare
bedrooms in Soho London can
attract the wrong kind of
friends, and we have been very
choosey in terms of who we
invite back for drinks or dinner.
Everyone loves a rich friend
with more money then sense
right? Well the thing is just that.
On holiday last year we met this
lovely boy and as he was visiting
London, we offered the spare
room to him. He is nice and
polite and as a guest I can't fault
him. But he is constantly on
Grindr and off to see boys and
literally uses the room like a
hotel. Looking at it, there is just
no upside to him staying with us
on my part.
Now he wants to come back to
stay with us again... I am
inclined to say no... but I don't
have a real reason apart from
that fact that it would have been
nice for him to have spent more
time with us or to include us in
some social activities. He kept
saying thank you and how nice
we are, how lucky he is to have
made friends with us, but
clearly we have little in common
apart from he fact that we are
very fortunate in life.
Any thoughts?
JORDAN LOHAN
Let’s put this into
perspective. You met the boy last
year, and it doesn't sound like
you've spent much quality time
altogether or built a friendship
up. It sounds like his priorities
are in his pants and he keeps you
sweet by singing your praises as
he scuttles out the door.
Based on how little you
actually know or really and truly
care about each other, you should
feel perfectly comfortable in
saying no to him staying in your
home. It will be interesting to see
if whilst he is in London, and not
staying with you, if he tries to and
makes an effort to spend time
with you! This will give you an
insight to how much he values
you in his life.
SCOTT SAMMONS
I know that friendships shouldn’t,
in an ideal world, be about give
and take or ‘value’ but in reality
they often are. If we have a
relationship, be that a partner or
friend, where we are not getting
any level of support or benefit out
of it then what is that friendship
worth?
I’ve been in a similar
situation so I can sympathise
with your position. When does
being a good friend become being
a doormat?
Personally for me, I look at
each person and say what do they
bring into my life. Similarly I also
ask what I bring into theirs. If the
answer is very little on either
side, or actually what they are
bringing is nothing but issues or
bad feeling (for whatever reason)
then it might be time to reevaluate the relationship.
In this instance I’d talk to
102 THEGAYUK | ISSUE 16 | NOV 2015
the boy (and I’m assuming he’s
younger than you both as you’ve
called him a boy) and say that
actually you invited him down in
order to spend time with him as a
friend. It could be a
misunderstanding on his part, as
we all have friends dotted around
that we can “crash at” from time
to time and let’s be honest who
didn’t flit around the place at that
age? Have you ever spoken to him
before about this? If you have,
then he should know better but if
you haven’t then he could simply
be doing what every “boy” of a
young age does.
The conversation with him
doesn’t have to be anything
formal or awkward, but instead a
‘we are planning to do X and Y
that weekend so we can take you
along with us’. If he objects or
says actually he’d rather make his
own plans then bring it up and
see how you go. If he responds
well and genuinely didn’t mean to
tread on your toes then you’ve reestablished a relationship that
has the potential for some value
to you. If he does then want to
“spread his wings” on occasion
then it can be with that mutual
awareness and understanding
that “we’ve had our catch-up,
now you go play”. That’s
incredibly simplistic but the
principle is effectively the same.
However if he ‘kicks-off’
and reacts badly to your
discussion then while it’s
unpleasant for you it might be
time to bring the relationship to a
close.