be sent to the left if they don’t possess
the very “latest” items or fail to live
up to various impossible demands for
perfection.
Very early in life, children discover
that mere words can give them an
illusion of superiority and power.
They might call someone “fatso” or
say, “I won’t be your friend,” or “I hate
you.” If they see shame or fear in their
victim’s eyes, they learn, “Wow, I can
feel like a something by making you
feel like a nothing!”
The Seeds of Self-Hatred
Young children also know exactly
how parents feel about each other and
each family member. The judgments
they hear – like stupid, lazy, crazy,
selfish, or bad -seem like Absolute
Truths. And these messages echo in
their minds for a lifetime, especially if
accompanied by statements such as, “I
wish you’d never been born. Why can’t
you be like____, who is so obedient,
tidy, brilliant, and beautiful?” They
learn that hate is acceptable when
they hear others being scorned
(e.g., Litvish/Chassidic, Sephardic/
16
THE ENGLISH UPDATE
Ashkenazi, fat/thin, etc.). In such
homes, it seems quite normal to
“Mengelize” people due to their head
covering, looks, social status, or skin
color.
Children who are “Mengelized”
by parents, teachers or peers often
develop serious emotional illnesses:
SHIRA (no real names are used):
“My ten year old’s teacher is so abusive
that girls have become seriously
depressed, even suicidal. My daughter
gained twenty pounds, while two
others have become anorexic. Many
are so perfectionistic that they live
in constant anxiety. If I speak up, my
daughter will only be punished even
more harshly.”
MIRI: I was a hyper-sensitive child
and cried easily. I was often told,
‘You’re just like Aunt Flora!’ Poor
Flora. She never married and died
in a mental hospital. My whole life,
I was scared that I’d end up just like
her. Even though I have two degrees
and am super-responsible and hardworking, I get tense whenever I feel
strong emotions and think, See, it’s
true. I am just like Flora. I’m just better
at hiding the truth.”
SURI: “My mother loved people
who were talented and beautiful. She
searched for signs of brilliance and
talent in me, and when she saw I didn’t
have either, she became scornful or
simply ignored my existence. From
the age of five, I felt that I could never
be good enough or accomplished
enough to earn her love. I guess it’s no
wonder that I married a hyper-critical
spouse and still feel that I’m never
good enough.”
SHMUEL: “When I was four, I
had a rebbe who hit my fingers with
a wooden ruler whenever I made a
mistake in reading. He’d stand over me
and scream, ‘Idiot! Repeat after me, ‘I
am an idiot.’ My father also hit me and
called me a stupid donkey, because I
wasn’t the kind of brilliant learner he
wanted. I took my rage out on anyone
who seemed nerdy or weak, including
my younger siblings. As a teenager I
became completely alienated from my
family and from religion.
The Primitive Mind
Why are we so brutal? We can
blame the primitive brain, located at
sontinued on page 33