There are certain thing you learn as a child that simply just…are. Things so ingrained in you almost
from birth that you accept them at face value with even thinking about them at all.
For instance, we learn the Declaration of Independence was signed on July 4, 1776. Lassie will
undoubtedly always come home. A home appliance will explode into tiny, oh-so-tiny pieces the day after
the warranty expires. Yes, yes, we all hold these truths to be self-evident but I was shocked out of my
theological shoes yesterday by my friend Hennen.
He told me Eve wasn’t Adam’s first wife.
What? Even if you don’t believe in creationism, you at least know the story of Adam and Eve. Created
from his rib, ate the apple, blew it for the rest of us…you know it backwards and forwards. So when my
good buddy Hennen bet me five bucks that Adam had a wife before Eve, I was all over it.
Well, needless to say, the Lord giveth, and the Hennen taketh away. Meet Lilith, wife number one
(literally).
According to Talmudic tradition (and Reader’s Encyclopedia), a demon, probably of Babylonian origin,
is said to haunt the wilderness in stormy weather and be especially dangerous to children and pregnant
women (!). She’s referred to as the screech owl (Isaiah 34:14) and as the night monster in the Revised
Version. Hebrew legend holds that she was created simultaneously with Adam and was his first wife but
refusing to consider him her superior, she left him and was expelled from Eden. She’s also said to have
married the Devil and become mother of all evil spirits.
The first clear cut case of “you can’t quit, you’re fired”, I believe.
Now whether Lilith was evil incarnate or merely the world’s first feminist with some seriously bad PR
people doesn’t really matter much to me. But Adam and …not Eve? This couldn’t be. My world was
shaken to its foundation. Heck, until yesterday, I just assumed Lilith was Dr. Frasier Crane’s bizarre exwife or a touring rock festival.
So I did some research. I soon learned that series of ancient scrolls were found a few years ago in
Tibet. These scrolls, which have baffled biblical scholars as to their full, true meaning, turned out to be
transcriptions of conversations between Lilith herself and, amazingly, Hollywood legend/uber-producer
Les Wilkins’ great-grandfather times 1526, Les of Eden.
I guess Lilith’s side of the scrolls was lost. We’ve only got Les’ part of the conversation on record. I
share this with you now because for some reason, I’ve been told by several noted theological scholars
that you might not be able to find a record of it in your local library.
“Honey, honey, what are you doing to me? You’ve got the lead locked up and you’re doing this to
me…?
“I know Adam’s hard to work with…yes, the superior thing would drive me crazy, too, sure…I know he’s
not the last man on Earth anymore but you’ve got to admit he’s right when he says he is His gift…
“Look, all I know is that this production is going to be HUGE. Capital H, capital U, HUGE. World-wide
exposure, honey. All the publicity has been arranged already. Adam and Lilith cups, balloons, calendars…
I know we’re not counting years yet but by…Him, we’re going to be Him-damned ready when they do…!
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THE CONE - ISSUE #5 - SUMMER 2015