I’ve been very fortunate to travel in my life – my most
recent adventure took me all the way to the magical
land of India - a place I now call home. I spent six
months completely immersed in the culture, where I
was able to overcome fears, push beyond boundaries,
and let go of many identities I was gripping on to for
twenty-six years. One of my most all-compassing
identities revolved around my dynamic with men,
something I got to microscopically observe inside
myself being highlighted in India. And while traveling
there acted as a huge catalyst for my growth in this
area, the most potent travel I have done thus far has
been my journey inward – an ongoing adventure that I
choose to endeavor on every moment of my life.
In traveling inward, we are able permeate the layers
that keep us separate from our core and allow us to
encounter all the places inside that hurt.
I understand why, in the past, I merely brushed the
surface when it came to men, at times going deep was
an overwhelming experience for me.
In the last two years of inward travel, I have never
felt more connected to myself – my body, my mind,
my heart, my soul. I have witnessed and taken
responsibility for aspects of myself that one could label
as ugly, cruel, manipulative and vicious. And I have let
go of the judgment that came with experiencing these
different facets. I have felt the deepest of agony,
heartache and pain as well as experienced the richest
joy, elation and ecstasy. In the last two years, I have
touched all the colors of the spectrum – viscerally –
able to taste the different hues, shade and textures,
attempting to treat each moment as a fleeting
experience – not desiring to see any of it as right or
wrong, merely one experience after another and it has
reframed the paradigm of how I relate to a man.
As mentioned, reframing this theme around men
and my past dependency on them has been at the
forefront of my expansion. Since I began my journey
inward, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on the
beliefs I held around men and have taken action on
letting go of all that wasn’t serving me. Throughout
these couple of years, I have also been single for the
first time since I was fifteen years old – thus allowing
me the space to really look at how I have shown up in
this dynamic.
What became clear to me was my attachment to
validation and man’s love and acceptance: In the past,
I molded myself to fit the needs of my partners in order
to feel worthy. So many of us do this and it causes us
to disconnect from who we truly are because we are
so invested in being what we think others want us to
be.
This pattern followed me throughout my eleven
years of being in relationship with different partners
and it’s only been in my years of being single and
traveling inward that I have been able to see through
the illusion I was perpetuating. Once it became clear
that I didn’t need a man to make me feel worthy, I
have been able to let go of the misconception that I
need to be something that I am not.
Because of my commitment to living in integrity
and my desire to be authentic in each moment, I have
drawn those who reflect this same integrity into my life
and they serve as clear reflections of my growth. My
interactions with others are becoming more powerful
and profound because I am not afraid to share my
heart during initial encounters, no longer buying into
the belief that it takes time to expose my depth to
another person. This causes people to connect deeply
with me, or to completely disconnect, as I am no
longer a chameleon choosing to fit another’s needs
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THE CONE - ISSUE #5 - SUMMER 2015