16
Waves
by Erika Williams
Do you ever watch the waves breaking
before they reach the shore and wonder
why you feel like crying?
When I was ten, I had
my first panic attack. It was like
my breath left my body, and I
couldn't seem to understand why.
we watched fireworks that
night and I had to close my eyes
to the brightness of the explosions.
but the sound still echoed through
my skull and I clutched my hands
to my ears and wondered if it would
ever stop.
I lay in bed with my mom when
I was fourteen, her hands running
soothing circles on my back and
I said, "sometimes I have bad thoughts,
but I never want to do any of them."
"I think that's normal," she said. I never
told her that I stayed away from sharp
knives for a whole year or that I was
afraid that picking up a pen would mean
writing a suicide note.
When I was seventeen, the boy I was
in love with told me, "you can be happy if
you choose to be happy." I wanted to ask
him why I sometimes still found myself
in tears over absolutely nothing.
I was the happiest I have ever been that summer.
He didn't really love me, I don't think.
My mom found out I was bisexual when
I was twenty...
(Cont.)