SYLVANUS URBAN Sylvanus Urban - "The Energy Issue " | Page 46

Going Down
LEVEL UP YOUR ELEVATOR ETIQUETTE
If it’s true that your strength
of character is revealed behind
closed doors, then the essence
of who you are can be distilled
by how you ride the elevator.
And if my condo is an accurate
sampling of the general public,
then we all suck at least a little
bit. What is it about entering
the confines of a technologically
advanced metal box that
permits people to disregard
social standards completely.
Do you value personal space?
The elevator laughs in your face
as it slowly but surely pushes
strangers well beyond your
boundaries. Going gluten-free?
The elevator will ensure that you
are trapped between floors with
the Pizza Pizza delivery man.
Have a secret? The elevator
reads your childhood diary and
manifests your greatest fears.
While each of these situations
is horrifying in its own right,
sharing the experience with well-
mannered individuals can at the
very least soften the blow. So to
ensure you don’t come across as
a sociopath suspended in midair,
Chief Etiquette Officer Julie
Blais Comeau shares her tips on
how to ride the elevator like a
decent human being.
accomplishing is pissing off your colleagues or neighbours. People will
hate you. I will hate you. The elevator repairman will laugh ostensibly
at your perceived control. You might get fired. Or evicted. Everyone
will cheer.
POSITION OF POWER
If you’re afraid of responsibility, step aside. “The person that is
closest to the numbers, to the buttons and the door becomes the
elevator car captain,” says Julie. “It’s that person’s responsibility to
hold the door open using their arm, not fingers, for people to safely
embark and disembark the elevator. ” Sure you were passed over for
“most likely to succeed” in high school, but this is your chance for
redemption. You are now the conductor for everyone’s experience,
introducing structure and order into a claustrophobic hell cabinet full
of hooligans. Most notably your job description entails asking fellow
travellers which floor they’re going to. A responsibility you should not
take lightly considering your current job situation. Your mom will call
and tell you she is proud.
FULL DISCLOSURE
“If you're continuing a conversation from outside the elevator
be so very aware of confidentiality. I can't tell you how many times
I've been in an elevator and I've recognized the people being talked
about, even though I had no connection with the people doing the
talking,” says Julie, completely on the record. This is not the time to
plot revenge on the office intern or share your favourite spot for a mid-
afternoon siesta. And just because you’re not talking about how drunk
Gary from accounting got at your last dinner party, doesn’t mean you
should be yapping away on your Google Pixel either. “Imagine there
were five people in the elevator all talking at once. It’s going to be
very chaotic, and the reception is not that great. It’s best just to let
them know you’re going up a few floors in the elevator and you’ll call
them back in a few minutes.” Now imagine each one of those people
is yielding a Chimmy Changa. What has life become?
TOTALLY SMASHED
This is not a Nintendo game.
This is not a game at all. This is
not fun. This is an elevator. The
lesson? No matter how many
times you smash the close door
button the only action you’re
46
EXIT STRATEGY
While your gut instinct may be to throw them bows, there is in
fact a gentler, body-part free way to exit the car. First, ask yourself if
you're Beyoncé. If the answer is “no, probably not” then the following
The Energy Issue
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